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R52I4.C  Coniindr-uins,    riddles, 


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onundrum^ 

Riddles  and  Puzzles 


Containing  one  thousewnd  of  the 
late./^  and  beyt  Conundrums, 
gewthered  from  every  conceiva^ble 
source,  and  comprising  many  tha.t 
are  entirely  new  and  origined 


By 
DEAN    RIVERS 


^ 


%ns 


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Philadelphia 

The  Penn  Publishing  Company 

1903 


Copyright  1893  by  The  Penn  Publishing  CoMrANV 


Copyright  1900  ';y  The  Penn  Publishing  Company 


SRK 
URli 


Q(^ln^<o'^.v^ 


PREFACE 

A  taste  for  guessing  puzzles  and  enigmas  is  co- 
eval with  the  race.  The  early  Greeks  were  ex- 
tremely fond  of  such  intellectual  exercises,  and 
they  are  found  in  the  language  of  all  civdized 
nations.  One  of  the  brightest  forms  of  chese 
puzzles  is  that  of  the  conundrum,  the  answer  of 
which  is  usually  a  play  upon  words  similar  to  the 
pun.  Each  language  has  its  own  particular  form 
of  this  kind  of  wit,  but  the  English  language,  on 
account  of  its  composite  nature,  is  especially  rich 
in  such  forms  of  wit  and  humor. 

The  compiler  of  this  little  volume  has  made  a 
choice  selection  of  conundrums  from  those  in 
actual  use  among  people  belonging  to  refined  and 
cultured  society.  They  are  classified  under  four 
principal  heads— General  Conundrums,  Biblical 
Conundrums,  Poetical  Conundrums,  and  French 
Conundrums.  Some  of  the  most  ingenious  and 
interesting  forms  of  wit  will  be  found  under  each 
of  these  classes. 

In  addition  to  these  conundrums,  the  book  con- 
tains a  rare  collection  of  arithmetical  puzzles. 
These  were  especially  prepared  for  the  work  by  a 
mathematician  of  wide  reputation  who  has  used 

3 


many  of  them  in  one  of  his  own  publications. 
Tney  will  be  found  of  great  interest  to  those  who 
have  a  taste  for  numbers  and  their  curious  com- 
binations and  results. 

The  collection  as  a  whole  will  afford  innocent 
recreation  for  the  fireside  and  social  circle,  and 
thus  contribute  to  the  happiness  of  those  who 
enjoy  the  higher  forms  of  pleasure  that  flow  from 
the  exercise  of  the  mind  upon  those  subjects  that 
require  quickness  of  thought  and  a  nimble  wit. 

The  Author. 


CONTENTS 


VACS 

General  Conundrums, 9 

Biblical  Contjndrums -117 

Poetical  Conundrums, 125 

French  Conundrums, 133 

A.RITHMETICAL  Puzzles, 137 


General  Conundrums 


General  Conundrums 


Why  is  life  the  greatest  of  all  conundrums  ? 
Because  we  must  all  give  it  up. 

When  may  an  army  be  said  to  be  totally  de- 
stroyed ?     When  its  soldiers  are  all  in  quarters. 

Which  is  swifter,  heat  or  cold?  Heat, 
because  you  can  catch  cold. 

Why  is  a  young  lady  like  a  letter  ?  Because 
if  she  isn't  well  stamped  the  mails  i^males) 
won't  take  her. 

Why  are  dudes  no  longer  imported  into  this 
country  from  England?  Because  a  Yankee 
dude  '11  do  (Yankee  doodle  doo). 

What  flowers  can  be  found  between  the  nose 
and  chin  ?     Tulips  (two  lips). 

Why  is  a  dude's  hat  like  swearing  ?  Because 
it  is  something  to  avoid. 

How  many  wives  is  a  man  lawfully  entitled  to 
by  the  English  prayer-book  ?     Sixteen  :  Four 
richer,  four  poorer,  four  better,  four  worse. 
9 


Wh}'  is  a  bright  young  lady  like  a  spoon  in  a 
cup  of  tea  ?  Because  she  is  interesting  (in  tea 
resting"). 

Why  does  a  3^oung  man  think  his  sweetheart 
is  like  a  door-knob  ?  Because  she  is  something 
to  adore  (a  doorj. 

Why  is  the  emblem  of  the  United  States  more 
enduring  than  that  of  France,  England,  Ireland, 
or  Scotland  ? 

The  Lily  may  fade  and  its  leaves  decay, 

The  Rose  from  its  stem  may  sever, 
The  Shamrock  and  Thistle  may  pass  away, 
But  the  Stars  will  shine  forever. 

Why  is  a  kiss  like  a  sermon?  Because  it 
needs  two  heads  and  an  application. 

What  is  the  shape  of  a  kiss  ?     Elliptical. 

Why  is  a  kiss  like  gossip  ?  Because  it  goes 
from  mouth  to  mouth. 

When  two  people  kiss,  what  kind  of  a  riddle 
does  it  make  ?     A  rebus. 

What  is  it  George  Washington  seldom  saw, 
God  never  saw^,  and  we  see  every  day  ?  Our 
equals. 

What  is  better  than  God,  worse  than  the 
devil,  the  dead  live  on,  and  the  living  would  die 
if  they  lived  on  ?     Nothing. 


ft 

Prove  by  logic  that  an  oyster  is  better  than 
heaven.  Nothing  is  better  than  heaven  ;  an 
oyster  is  better  than  nothing ;  therefore  an 
oyster  is  better  than  heaven. 

What  is  the  diflference  between  a  honeymoon 
and  a  honeycomb  ?  One  is  a  big  sell,  the  other 
little  cells. 

Wh}^  is  a  man  who  makes  pens  a  wicked 

man  ?     Because  he  makes  men  steel  (steal)  pens 
and  then  says  they  do  write  (right). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  lady  and  an 
apple  ?  One  you  have  to  get  side  her  to  squeeze, 
and  the  other  j^ou  have  to  squeeze  to  get  cider. 

Who  is  the  greatest  chicken-killer  spoken  of 
in  Shakespeare?  Macbeth,  because  he  did 
murder  most  foul. 

Why  is  music  cheaper  on  Sunday  than  during 
the  w^eek  ?  Because  during  the  week  you  get 
it  b}^  the  piece,  and  on  Sunday  j^ou  get  it  by 
the  choir. 

Which  death  would  you  prefer  to  die,  Joan 
of  Arc's  or  Mary  Stuart's  ?  Most  people  prefer 
Joan  of  Arc's,  because  thej-  like  a  hot  steak 
better  than  a  cold  chop. 

What  great  writer's  name  might  you  appro- 
priately mention  if  you  were  standing  by  the 
grave  of  Bob  Ingersoll  ?     Robert  Burns. 


t9 

What  three  great  writers  names  might  you 
think  of  if  3^ou  were  watching  a  house  burn 
down  ?     Dickens,  How^ett,  Burns. 

If  you  w^ere  invited  out  to  dinner  and  on 
sitting  down  to  the  table  saw  nothing  but  a 
beet,  what  would  you  say  ?    That  beet's  all. 

Give  a  definition  of  love.  An  inward  inex- 
pressibility  and  an  outward  alloverishness  ;  or, 
the  classical  definition  of  a  collegiate  is,  "  Love 
is  the  so-ness,  as  it  were,  of  the  white  heat  fu- 
sion of  the  intellect,  sensibility,  and  will." 

When  is  charity  like  a  top  ?  When  it  begins 
to  hum. 

Why  is  a  man  sometimes  like  dough  ?  Not 
because  a  woman  needs  (kneads)  him,  but  be- 
cause he  is  hard  to  get  off  of  her  hands. 

Wh}^  does  a  minister  always  say  ' '  dearly 
beloved  brethren  "  and  not  refer  to  the  sisters  ? 
Because  the  brethren  embrace  the  sisters. 

What  part  of  a  ragged  garment  resembles  the 
Pope's  title  ?     Its  Holiness. 

Why  are  a  dead  duck  and  a  dead  doctor 
alike  ?  Because  they  have  both  stopped  quack- 
ing. 

When  is  the  best  time  to  read  from  the  book 
of  nature  ?  When  the  spring  opens  the  leaves 
and  the  autumn  turns  them. 


«3 

In  what  liquid  does  the  Queen  of  England 
take  her  medicine?     In  cider    side  her;. 

Why  is  a  restless  man  in  bed  like  a  lawyer  ? 
Because  he  lies  on  one  side,  then  turns  around 
and  lies  on  the  other. 

Why  do  tailors  make  very  ardent  lovers  ? 
Because  they  press  their  suits. 

When  is  a  man  of  greatest  use  at  the  dinner- 
table  ?     When  he  is  a  spoon. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  rejected  and 
an  accepted  lover  ?  One  misses  the  kisses  and 
the  other  kisses  the  misses. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  church  dea- 
con and  a  little  rag-a-muffin?  One  passes  the 
sasser  (saucer)  and  the  other  sasses  the  passer. 

Why  is  a  lover  Uke  a  knocker  ?  .Because  he 
is  bound  to  adore  (a  door). 

In  what  colored  ink  should  we  write  our  se- 
crets?    In  violet  (^inviolate). 

Why  is  a  young  lady  like  an  arrow  ?  Be- 
cause she  can't  go  off  without  a  bow  (beau), 
and  is  in  a  quiver  till  she  gets  one. 

If  a  young  lady  fell  into  a  well  why  couldn't 
her  brother  help  her  out  ?  Because,  how  could 
he  be  a  brother  and  assist  her  (a  sister)  too  ? 


H 

If  all  the  women  went  to  China,  where  would 
the  men  go  ?     To  Pekin. 

Why  does  a  Russian  soldier  wear  brass  but- 
tons on  his  coat,  and  an  Austrian  soldier  wear 
steel  ones  ?     To  keep  his  coat  buttoned. 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  old  penny 
and  a  new  dime  ?     Nine  cents. 

How  is  the  best  way  to  make  a  coat  last  ? 
To  make  the  trousers  and  vest  first. 

What  word  of  four  syllables  would  a  man  utter 
if  he  should  eat  his  wife  and  wanted  to  express 
his  approbation  of  the  deed  ?  Gladiator  (glad 
I  ate  her). 

Why  does  a  cat  look  on  first  one  side  and 
then  another  when  she  enters  a  room  ?  Because 
she  can't  look  on  both  sides  at  the  same 
time. 

Why  is  a  widower  like  a  youn.^^  baby  ?  Be- 
cause he  cries  a  great  deal  the  first  six  months, 
looks  around  the  second  six  months,  and  has 
hard  work  to  get  through  his  second  summer. 

Why  is  Philadelphia  more  subject  to  earth- 
quakes than  any  other  city  ?  Because  she  is  a 
Quaker  city. 

Why  is  a  policeman  on  his  beat  like  an  Irish- 
man roUing  down  a  hill  ?  Because  he's  patrol- 
ing  (,Pat  roUingj. 


»5 

If  the  alphabet  were  all  invited  out  to  supper, 
in  what  order  would  they  come  ?  They  would 
all  get  there  down  to  5.  and  the  rest  would  come 
after  T. 

What  would  contain  all  the  snufF  in  the 
world  ?     No  one  nose  (knows). 

Why  is  a  hound  like  a  man  with  a  bald  head  ? 
Because  he  makes  a  little  hare  (hair)  go  a  long 
ways. 

What  is  the  first  thing  a  man  sets  in  his  gar- 
den ?     His  foot. 

Who  were  the  first  astronomers  ?  The  stars, 
because  they  have  studded  the  heavens  ever 
since  the  creation. 

When  may  you  be  said  to  imbibe  a  piano  ? 
When  you  have  a  piano  for  tea  (pianoforte). 

When  may  bread  be  said  to  be  alive  ?  When 
it  has  a  Httle  Indian  in  it. 

Why  does  a  bachelor  who  has  a  counterfeit 
half  dollar  passed  on  him  want  to  get  married  ? 
To  get  a  better  half. 

Why  does  a  sculptor  die  a  most  horrible 
death  ?     Because  he  makes  faces  and  busts. 

Why  do  we  generally  dub  a  city  her  or  she? 
Because  about  a  city  there  is  so  much  bustle 
and  because  she  has  outskirts. 


i6 

Why  does  a  hair-dresser  die  a  sad  death? 
Because  he  curls  up  and  dies  (dyes). 

Why  are  washwomen  great  flirts  ?  Because 
they  wring  men's  bosoms. 

If  thirty-two  degrees  is  freezing  point,  what 
is  squeezing  point  ?     Two  in  the  shade. 

Prove  that  the  winds  are  blind.  The  wind  is 
a  zeph}^,  a  zephyr  is  a  yarn,  a  yam  is  a  story, 
a  story  is  a  tale,  a  tail  is  an  attachment,  an  at- 
tachment is  love,  and  love  is  blind  ;  therefore, 
the  winds  are  blind. 

Why  is  a  married  man  like  a  fire  ?  Because 
he  provokes  his  wife  by  going  out  at  night. 

Wh}'  is  a  pig's  brain  larger  than  any  other 
animal's  ?     Because  he  has  a  hog's  head  full. 

Where  was  the  first  Adams  Express  Company 
located?  In  the  Garden  of  Eden,  when  Eve 
was  created. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  young  lady 
and  a  mouse  ?  One  chaniis  the  he's,  the  other 
harms  the  cheese. 

Why  are  men  like  facts  ?  Because  they  are 
stubborn  things. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  gardener  and 
a  Chinaman  ?  One  keeps  the  lawn  wet,  the 
other  keeps  the  lawn  dry  (laundry). 


17 

Why  is  a  young  lady's  age  after  she  has 
reached  twenty -five  Hke  a  floral  wedding  bell  ? 
Because  it  is  never  told. 

When  is  a  door  not  a  door?  When  it's  an 
egress  (a  negress). 

Why  is  Patti  like  a  jeweler?  Because  she 
deals  in  precious  tones  (precious  stones). 

When  is  a  bee  a  great  nuisance  ?  When  it  is 
a  humbug. 

A  New  Yorker  asks  :  What  popular  book 
could  the  two  cities,  New  York  and  Philadel- 
phia, be  compared  to  ?     The  Quick  or  the  Dead. 

Why  is  a  dog  dressed  warmer  in  summer  than 
in  winter  ?  Because  in  winter  he  wears  a  fur 
coat  and  in  summer  he  wears  a  coat  and 
pants. 

Why  is  it  more  dangerous  to  go  out  in  the 
spring  than  any  other  time  of  the  year  ?  Be- 
cause in  the  spring  the  grass  has  blades,  the 
flowers  have  pistils,  the  leaves  shoot,  and  the 
buUrushes  out. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  hill  and  a 
pill  ?  One  is  hard  to  get  up.  the  other  is  hard  to 
get  down. 

Why  is  a  lazy  dog  like  a  hill  ?  Because  he 
is  a  slow  pup  (slope  up). 


18 

A  man  and  goose  once  went  up  in  a  balloon 
together,  the  balloon  burst  and  they  landed  on 
a  church  steeple,  how  did  the  man  get  down  ? 
Plucked  the  goose. 

Why  is  a  man  riding  up  a  hill  like  a  man 
taking  a  young  dog  to  a  lady  ?  Because  he  is 
taking  a  gallop  up  (gal  a  pup). 

Why  is  a  dentist  a  sad  and  a  wicked  man  ? 
Because  he  is  always  looking  down  in  the 
mouth  and  dams  all  his  patients. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  king's  son, 
a  monkey's  mother,  a  bald  head,  and  an  or- 
phan? A  king's  son  is  the  heir  apparent,  a 
monkey's  mother  is  a  hairy  parent,  a  bald  head 
has  no  hair  apparent,  and  an  orphan  has  nary 
a  parent. 

If  William  Penn's  aunts  kept  a  pastry  shop, 
what  would  be  the  prices  current  of  their  pies  ? 
The  pie  rates  of  Penn's  Aunts  (Pirates  of  Pen- 
zance). 

What  celebrated  man  in  English  history 
might  you  name  if  you  wished  to  tell  your  ser- 
vant to  replenish  the  fire  in  your  grate  ?  Philip 
the  Great  (fill  up  the  grate). 

A  man  had  twenty-six  (twenty  sick)  sheep 
and  one  died,  how  many  remained?  Nine- 
teen. 


19 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  Irishman 

on   a  bleak  mountain-top  and  a  Scotchman  ? 

One  is  kilt  with  the  cowld  and  the  other  is 
cowled  with  the  kilt. 

If  a  pair  of  andirons  cost  five  dollars,  what 
would  the  wood  come  to  burned  on  them  for 
one  month  ?     Come  to  ashes. 

What  is  the  difference  between  Niagara  Falls 
and  Queen  Elizabeth  ?  One  is  a  wonder,  the 
other  is  a  Tudor. 

What  is  a  soldier's  definition  of  a  kiss?  A 
report  at  headquarters. 

Why  is  it  easy  to  break  into  an  old  man's 
house  ?  Because  his  gait  (gate)  is  broken  and 
his  locks  are  few. 

What  word  of  only  three  syllables  combines 
in  it  twenty-six  letters  ?     Alphabet. 

Where  can  one  always  find  happiness  ?  In 
the  dictionary. 

When  will  there  be  but  twenty-five  letters  in 
the  alphabet?    When  U  and  I  are  one. 

Why  is  it  impossible  for  a  swell  who  lisps  to 
believe  in  the  existence  of  young  ladies  ?  Be- 
cause he  calls  every  miss  a  mith. 

What  was  Joan  of  Arc  made  of?  Maid  of 
Orleans. 


20 

Why  are  your  eyes  like  friends  separated  by 
tlie  ocean  ?  Because  they  correspond  but  never 
meet. 

Why  is  a  lady  who  faints  in  a  public  place 
like  a  good  intention  ?  Because  she  needs  car- 
rying out. 

What  is  the  brightest  idea  in  the  world? 
Your  eye,  dear. 

What  animal  drops  from  the  clouds?  The 
rain,  dear  (reindeer). 

I  w^ent  out  walking  one  day  and  met  three 
beggars  ;  to  the  first  I  gave  ten  cents,  to  the 
second  I  also  gave  ten  cents,  and  to  the  third  I 
gave  but  five — what  time  of  day  was  it  ?  A 
quarter  to  three. 

What  is  that  which  by  losing  an  eye  has 
nothing  left  but  a  nose  ?     Noise. 

Why  is  a  hen  immortal  ?  Because  her  son 
never  sets.  • 

What  is  that  -w^iich  is  full  of  holes  and  j^et 
holds  water  ?     A  sponge. 

What  will  impress  th^  ear  more  sharply  than 
a  falsetto  voice  ?     A  false  set  of  teeth. 

What  is  that  which  is  put  on  the  table  and 
cut,  but  is  never  eaten.     A  pack  of  cards. 


21 

What  is  the  oldest  table  in  the  world  ?  The 
multiplication  table. 

Which  river  is  the  coldest  ?   The  Isis  (ice  is). 

Why  are  cats  like  unskillful  surgeons  ?  Be- 
cause they  mew  till  late  and  destroy  patience 
(patients;. 

Why  is  it  almost  certain  that  Shakespeare 
was  a  broker  ?  Because  no  other  man  has  fur- 
nished so  many  stock  quotations. 

How  can  you  distinguish  a  fashionable  man 
from  a  tired  dog  ?  One  wears  an  entire  cos- 
tume, the  other  wears  simply  a  coat  and  pants. 

Why  is  a  youth  trying  to  raise  a  moustache 
like  a  cow's  tail  ?     Because  he  grows  down. 

Why  is  a  professional  thief  very  comfortable  ? 
Because  he  usually  takes  things  so  easy. 

When  is  a  man  obliged  to  keep  his  word  ? 
When  no  one  will  take  it. 

Why  is  an  attractive  woman  like  a  successful 
gambler  ?     Because  she  has  such  winning  ways. 

Why  is  the  food  one  eats  on  an  ocean 
steamer  like  a  difficult  conundrum  ?  Because 
one  is  obliged  to  give  it  up. 

Why  are  stout  men  usually  sad  ^  Because 
they  are  men  of  sighs  (size;. 


22 

Why  are  two  young  ladies  kissing  each  other 
an  emblem  of  Christianity  ?  Because  they  are 
doing  unto  each  other  as  they  would  that  men 
should  do  unto  them. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  woman  and 
an  umbrella  ?     You  can  shut  an  umbrella  up. 

Why  would  it  be  very  appropriate  for  a  man 
named  Benjamin  to  marry  a  girl  named  Annie? 
Because  he  would  be  Bennie-fitted  and  she 
Annie-mated. 

Why  is  this  continent  like  milk  ?  Because 
it's  ours  (it  sours). 

What  is  the  color  of  the  winds  and  waves  in 
a  severe  storm  ?  The  winds  blew  (blue),  the 
waves  rose. 

Wh}^  is  a  baker  a  most  improvident  person  ? 
Because  he  is  continually  selling  that  which  he 
kneads  himself. 

What  is  it  we  all  frequently  say  we  will  do 
and  no  one  has  ever  yet  done  ?     Stop  a  minute. 

How  can  you  by  changing  the  pronunciation 
of  a  word  only  turn  mirth  into  crime  ?  By 
making  man's  laughter  manslaughter. 

Why  is  a  room  full  of  married  people  like  an 
empt}*  room  ?  Because  there  is  not  a  single 
person  in  it. 


23 

Which  one  of  the  United  States  is  the  largest 
and  most  popular  ?     The  state  of  matrimony. 

Which  nation  produces  the  most  marriages  ? 
Fascination. 

When  is  a  horse  like  a  house  ?  When  he  has 
blinds  on. 

Why  is  a  bridegroom  often  more  expensive 
than  a'bride  ?  Because  the  bride  is  given  away, 
but  the  bridegroom  is  often  sold. 

Whv  is  divinity  the  easiest  of  all  professions  ? 
Because  it  is  easier  to  preach  than  to  practice. 

When  is  love  deformed  ?  When  it  is  all  on 
one  side. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  butcher  and 
a  flirt  ?  One  kills  to  dress,  and  the  other  dresses 
to  kill. 

When  was  B  the  first  letter  in  the  alphabet  ? 
In  the  days  of  Xo-a  (Noah). 

How  can  I  remove  A  from  the  alphabet  ?  B- 
head  it. 

Why  is  A  like  a  honeysuckle  ^  Because  a  B 
follows  it. 

Why  is  modesty  the  strongest  characteristic 
of  a  watch  ?  Because  it  always  keeps  its  hands 
before  its  face,  and  runs  down  its  own  works. 


24 

Why  is  it  right  for  B  to  come  before  C  ?  Be- 
cause we  must  B  before  we  can  C. 

Why  are  two  t's  like  hops?  Because  they 
make  beer  better. 

What  kind  of  sense  does  a  girl  long  for  in  a 
disagreeable  suitor  ?     Absence. 

Why  is  it  dangerous  to  keep  a  clock  at  the 
head  of  a  pair  of  stairs  ?  Because  it  sometimes 
runs  down. 

Who  are  the  two  largest  ladies  in  the  United 
States?  Miss  Ouri  and  Mrs.  Sippi  (Missouri 
and  Mississippi). 

What  key  in  music  would  make  a  good 
officer?     A  sharp  major. 

What  is  the  key-note  to  good  manners  ?  B 
natural. 

Why  is  a  stupid  fellow  like  G  sharp  ?  Be- 
cause he  is  A  flat. 

What  do  ladies  look  for  when  they  go  to 
church  ?  The  Sams  (psalms)  and  hims 
(hjmms). 

Why  are  married  men  like  steamboats  ?  Be- 
cause they  are  sometimes  blown  up. 

What  sliip  contains  more  people  than  the 
' '  Great  Eastern  ' '  ?     Courtship. 


Why  is  a  ship  like  a  woman  ?  Because  shr 
is  often  tender  to  a  man-of  war  ;  often  running 
after  a  smack  ;  often  attached  to  a  buoy  i  boyj  ; 
and  frequently  making  up  to  a  peer  (pier;. 

Why  do  women  make  good  post-office  clerks  ? 
Because  they  know  how  to  manage  the  mails 

(males  ^ 

Why  is  lip-salve  like  a  chaperon  ?  Because  it 
is  intended  to  keep  the  chaps  away. 

If  a  pair  of  andirons  cost  $7.75,  what  would 
a  ton  of  coal  come  to  ?     To  ashes. 

What  is  worse  than  raining  cats  and  dogs  ? 
Hailing  omnibuses. 

Why  is  an  umbrella  like  a  pancake?  Be- 
cause it  is  seldom  seen  after  Lent. 

On  what  day  of  the  year  do  women  talk  the 
least  ?     The  shortest  day. 

What  is  that  which  every  living  person  has 
seen,  but  will  never  see  again  ?     Yesterday. 

What  is  the  difference  between  dead  soldiers 
and  repaired  garments  ?  The  former  are  dead 
men,  and  the  latter  are  mended  (dead  '. 

Why,  when  you  paint  a  man's  portrait,  may 
3'ou  be  described  as  stepping  into  his  shoes  ? 
Because  you  make  his  feet  yours  (features). 


26 

Why  may  a  beggar  wear  a  very  short  coat  ? 
Because  it  will  be  long  enough  before  he  gets 
another. 

Which  is  the  most  valuable,  a  five-dollar  note 
or  five  gold  dollars?  The  note,  because  when 
you  put  it  in  your  pocket  you  double  it,  and 
when  you  take  it  out  again  you  see  it  increases. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  Prince  of 
Wales  and  the  water  in  a  fountain?  One  is 
heir  to  the  throne,  the  other  thrown  to  the  air. 

Why  is  a  prett}^  young  lady  like  a  wagon 
wheel  ?  Because  she  is  surrounded  by  felloes 
Cfellows). 

When  is  it  dangerous  to  enter  a  church  ? 
When  there  is  a  canon  in  the  reading-desk,  a 
great  gun  in  the  pulpit,  and  a  bishop  charges 
the  congregation. 

What  is  the  difference  between  form  and  cere- 
mony ?  You  sit  upon  one  and  stand  on  the 
other. 

What  is  the  most  awkward  time  for  a  train 
to  start?  12.50,  as  it's  ten  to  one  if  you  catch 
it. 

Wh}^  can  negroes  be  safeh^  trusted  with 
secrets  ?     Because  they  are  sure  to  keep  dark. 

Why  is  a  camel  a  \-ery  pugnacious  animal  ? 
Because  he  always  has  his  back  up. 


27 

Wh}^  are  doctors  bad  characters?  Because 
the  worse  people  are  the  more  they  are  with 
them. 

Why  did  Lad}-  Wellesley  do  a  very  unlady- 
Uke  thing  when  she  married  the  late  Lord  Rag- 
land  Somerset  ?    Because  she  turned  a  Somerset. 

Wh}^  can  the  world  be  compared  to  music  ^ 
Because  it  is  so  full  of  sharps  and  flats. 

Why  does  a  goose  go  into  the  water  ?  For 
diver's  reasons. 

Why  does  a  goose  come  out  of  the  water  ? 
For  sun-dr>^  reasons. 

Wh}^  is  a  stick  of  candy  like  a  race-horse  ? 
Because  the  more  you  lick  it  the  faster  it  goes. 

Why  is  a  naughty  school-boy  like  a  postage^ 
stamp  ?  Because  you  lick  him  with  a  stick  and 
stand  him  in  the  corner. 

Wh}^  is  I  the  luckiest  of  all  the  vowels  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  in  the  centre  of  bliss,  while  E  is  in 
hell  and  all  the  others  are  in  purgatory. 

What  is  the  longest  word  in  the  English 
language  ?  Smiles,  because  there  is  a  mile  be- 
tween the  first  and  last  letter. 

Why  have  chickens  no  fear  of  a  future  state  } 
Because  they  have  their  next  world  (necks 
twirled)  in  this. 


28 

Why  cannot  a  deaf  man  be  legally  convicted  ? 
Because  it  is  unlawful  to  condemn  a  man  with- 
out a  hearing. 

Why  is  a  man  who  beats  his  wife  like  a  thor- 
ough-bred horse  ?  Because  he's  a  perfect 
brute. 

What  is  that  which  you  can  keep  after  giving 
to  some  one  else  ?     Your  word. 

Why  are  teeth  like  verbs  ?  Because  they  are 
regular,  iiTegular,  and  defective. 

Why  is  Queen  Victoria  like  a  hat  ?  Because 
they  both  have  crowns. 

Why  is  a  plum -pudding  like  the  ocean  ?  Be- 
cause it  contains  man}-  currants. 

Who  niaj'  marry  man}-  a  wife  and  still  be 
single  all  his  life  ?     A  clergyman. 

Why  is  Athens  like  a  worn-out  shoe  ?  Be- 
cause it  once  had  a  Solon  (sole  on). 

Why  are  washerwomen  great  travelers  ?  Be- 
cause they  are  continually  crossing  the  line  and 
running  irom  pole  to  pole. 

What  part  of  a  fish  is  like  the  end  of  a  book  ? 
The  fin-is. 

What  is  a  common  miracle  in  Ireland  ?  Wak- 
ing the  dead 


20 

Why  are  bachelors  had  grammarians  ?  Be 
cause  when  asked  to  conjugate  they  invariably 
decline. 

When  could  the  British  Empire  be  purchased 
for  the  lowest  sum  ?  When  Richard  the  Tliird 
offered  his  kingdom  for  a  horse. 

What  is  the  largest  room  in  the  world  ?  Tlie 
room  for  improvement. 

Why  is  a  street-car  like  the  heart  of  a  co- 
quette ?  Because  there  is  always  room  for  one 
more  to  be  taken  in. 

When  ma}^  a  man  be  said  to  breakfast  before 
he  gets  up  ?     When  he  takes  a  roll  in  bed. 

Why  are  dealers  in  glassware  unlike  all  other 
dealers  ?  Because  it  won't  do  for  them  to  crack 
up  their  goods. 

What  is  it  that  a  gentleman  has  not,  never 
can  have,  and  3'et  can  give  to  a  lady  ?  A  hus- 
band. 

Wh}^  is  a  man  just  imprisoned  like  a  boat 
full  of  water?  Because  he  requires  bailing 
out. 

When  does  a  ship  tell  a  falsehood  ?  When 
she  lies  at  the  wharf 

When  is  a  theatrical  manager  like  an  as- 
tronomer ?     When  he  discovers  a  new  star. 


30 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  mother  and 
a  1)arber?  The  latter  has  razors  to  shave  and 
the  former  has  shavers  to  raise. 

Why  are  pianos  noble  characters  ?  Because 
they  are  grand,  upright,  and  square. 

What  are  they  which,  though  always  drunk, 
are  never  intoxicated  ?     Toasts. 

When  is  a  fowl's  neck  like  a  bell  ?  When 
it's  rung  for  dinner. 

Why  is  a  crow  the  bravest  bird  in  the  world  ? 
Because  it  never  shows  the  white  feather. 

Why  is  a  vote  in  Congress  like  a  bad  cold  ? 
Because  sometimes  the  ayes  (eyes)  have  it,  and 
sometimes  the  noes  (nose). 

Why  are  some  girls  like  old  muskets  ?  Be- 
cause they  use  a  good  deal  of  powder,  but  won't 
go  off. 

What  kind  of  medicine  does  a  man  take  for 
a  scolding  wife?  He  takes  an  elixir  (an'  he 
licks  her). 

Why  is  a  dirty  man  like  flannel  ?  Because 
he  shrinks  from  washing. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  young 
maiden  of  sixteen  and  an  old  maid  of  sixty  ? 
One  is  happy  and  careless,  and  the  other  is 
cappy  and  hairless. 


31 

Why  is  a  pair  of  skates  like  an  apple?  Be- 
cause they  have  both  occasioned  the  fall  of 
man. 

What  is  most  like  a  hen  stealing  ?  A  cock- 
robin. 

If  Old  Nick  were  to  lose  his  tail,  vvhere  would 
he  go  to  get  another  ?  To  a  grog-shop,  because 
bad  spirits  are  retailed  there. 

Why  is  a  3^oung  man  engaged  to  a  young 
lady  like  a  man  sailing  for  a  port  in  France  ? 
Because  he  is  bound  to  Havre  (have  herj. 

Why  is  the  opening  of  a  new  dr^^-goods  store 
lika  a  house  on  fire  ?  Because  it  starts  all  the 
bells  (belles)  in  the  city. 

Why  would  it  be  impossible  to  starve  in  the 
desert  of  Sahara  ?  Because  of  the  sand  which 
is  (sandwiches)  there. 

How  did  the  sandwiches  get  there  ?  When 
Ham  was  sent  there  with  his  followers,  who 
were  bred  (bread)  and  mustered  (mustard). 

If  a  tough  beefsteak  could  speak,  what  Eng- 
lish poet  would  it  mention  ?     Chaucer  ( chaw, 

sir). 

Why  can  3'ou  never  expect  a  fisherman  to  be 
generous  ?  Because  his  business  makes  him 
sell  fish. 


3^ 

When  is  a  bonnet  not  a  bonnet  ?  When  it 
becomes  a  pretty  woman. 

Why  are  young  ladies  bad.  grammarians? 
Because  so  few  can  decUne  matrimony. 

Why  can  a  blind  man  alwaj^s  see  his  father  ? 
Because  the  father  is  always  apparent  (^a 
parent). 

What  does  Washington,  D.  C,  stand  for? 
Washington,  daddy  of  his  country. 

Why  was  a  defeated  candidate  after  the  late 
election,  like  the  earth  ?  Because  he  was  flat- 
tened at  the  poles. 

When  was  beef  the  highest  ?  When  the  cow 
jumped  over  the  moon. 

What  ailment  is  the  oak  most  subject  to  ? 
A  com  (acorn). 

Why  does  a  horse  eat  in  a  very  odd  w^ay  ? 
Because  he  eats  best  when  he  has  not  a  bit  in 
his  mouth. 

What  is  the  only  organ  without  stops  ?  A 
woman's  organ  of  speech. 

Give  an  Irishman's  definition  of  a  lake.  A 
hole  in  the  tay-kettle. 

Why  is  man  superior  to  woman  ?  Because 
woman  is  onlv  a  side  issue. 


33 

Why  is  a  lady  when  sick  at  sea  like  some 
of  our  literary  men?  Because  she  is  a  con- 
tributor to  the  Atlajitic. 

Why  is  a  scolding  wife  like  a  thing  of  beauty  ? 
*'  Because  she  is  a  joy  (jaw;  forever." 

What  is  the  proper  length  for  a  young  lady 
to  wear  her  dress  ?     A  little  above  two  feet. 

Why  is  a  man  who  never  bets  as  bad  as  a 
gambler?     Because  he  is  no  bettor  (^better). 

When  is  a  cigar  like  dried  beef  ?  When  it 
is  smoked. 

What  table  has  no  legs  to  stand  upon  ?  The 
multiplication  table. 

How  do  young  ladies  sometimes  show  their 
dislike  to  mustaches  ?  By  setting  their  faces 
against  them. 

Wh}^  are  there  three  objections  to  taking  a 
glass  of  brandy  ?  Because  there  are  three  scru- 
ples to  a  dram. 

Why  is  the  root  of  the  tongue  like  a  dejected 
man?     Because  it's  down  in  the  mouth. 

What  is  that  which  we  often  return,  but  never 
borrow  ?     Thanks. 

What  animals  are  always  seen  at  funeialsi' 
Black  kids. 


34 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  I^rench 
pastry  cook  and  a  bill  sticker  ?  One  puffs  up 
paste,  the  other  pastes  up  puffs. 

Why  is  it  vulgar  to  sing  and  play  by  your- 
self?    Because  it's  so  low  (solo). 

Why  is  a  dog  biting  his  tail  like  a  good 
manager  ?     Because  he  makes  both  ends  meet. 

Why  is  a  watch-dog  larger  by  night  than  by 
day  ?  Because  at  night  he  is  let  out,  and  in 
the  day  he  is  taken  in. 

Why  did  the  Highlanders  do  most  execution 
at  Waterloo  ?  Because  ever}^  man  had  one  kilt 
before  the  battle. 

At  what  game  do  the  weaves  of  the  sea  play  ? 
At  pitch  and  toss. 

Why  are  fow4s  the  most  economical  things  a 
farmer  can  keep  ?  Because  for  every  grain  they 
give  a  peck. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  pitcher  of 
water  and  a  man  throwing  his  wife  over  a 
bridge  ?  One  is  w^ater  in  the  pitcher,  the  other 
is  pitch  her  in  the  water. 

When  is  a  young  lady  not  a  3'oung  lady  ? 
When  she's  a  sweet  tart  (sweetheart). 

What  confection  did  they  have  in  the  ark? 
Preserved  pairs  (pears). 


35 

Why  should  architects  make  excellent  actors  ? 
Because  they  are  good  at  drawing  houses. 

What  weapon  does  a  young  man  use  if  he 
kisses  a  young  lady  by  mistake  ?  A  blunder- 
buss. 

What  is  the  difference  between  an  auction 
and  seasickness?  One  is  a  sale  of  effects,  the 
other  the  effects  of  a  sail. 

What  should  a  clergyman  preach  about  ? 
About  a  half  of  an  hour. 

Why  is  an  orange  like  a  church  steeple  ?  Be- 
cause we  have  a  peel  from  it. 

What  kind  of  a  cat  do  we  usually  find  in  a 
large  library  ?     A  cat  alogue. 

What  sea  would  a  man  like  to  be  in  on  a  wet 
day?    Adriatic  (a  dry  attic). 

Why  was  the  French  Empress  always  in  bad 
company  ?  Because  she  was  always  surrounded 
by  Paris-ites. 

When  was  Napoleon  First  most  shabbily 
dressed?    When  out  at  Elba  (elbow). 

When  was  wit  a  father  ?  When  a  pun  be- 
came apparent  (a  parent). 

What  grows  the  less  tired  the  more  it  works  ? 
A  carriage  wheel. 


Why  is  the  Louvre  the  cheapest  palace  ever 
erected?  Because  it  was  partly  built  for  one 
sovereip^u,  and  finished  for  another. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  craaie  and 
the  grave  ?  The  one  is  for  the  first-born,  the 
other  for  the  last  bourne. 

How  is  an  elephant's  head  different  from 
every  other  head  ?  Because,  if  you  cut  his 
head  off  from  his  body,  you  don't  take  it  from 
the  trunk. 

Why  does  a  stingy  German  like  mutton  bet- 
ter than  venison  ?  Because  he  prefers  ' '  zat  vich 
is  sheep  to  zat  vich  is  deer. ' ' 

Which  is  the  most  wonderful  animal  in  the 
farmyard?  A  pig,  because  he  is  killed  and 
then  cured. 

Why  is  a  poor  conundrum  like  a  monkey  ? 
Because  it  was  far-fetched  and  full  of  nonsense. 

If  a  tree  were  to  break  a  window,  what  would 
the  window  say  ?     Tre-mend-us. 

What  trees  has  fire  no  effect  upon  ?  Ashes, 
as  when  burned,  they're  ashes  still. 

What  did  Jack  Frost  say  when  he  kissed  the 
violet  ?     Wilt  thou,  and  it  wilted. 

When  is  a  large  river  good  for  the  eyes  ? 
When  it's  eye  (high)  water. 


37 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  cloud  and 
a  whipped  child?  One  pours  with  rain,  the 
other  roars  with  pain. 

What  musical  instrument  invites  you  to  fish  ? 
Cast-a  net. 

What  river  is  that  which  runs  between  two 
seas  ?  The  Thames,  which  runs  between  Chel- 
sea and  Batter-sea. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  fisherman 
and  a  lazy  schoolboy  ?  One  baits  his  hook, 
the  other  hates  his  book. 

What  is  that  which  you  break  by  even  nam- 
ing it  ?     Silence. 

When  has  a  man  four  hands  ?  When  he 
doubles  his  fists. 

What  is  the  most  difficult  river  on  which  to 
get  a  boat?  Arno,  because  they're  Arno  boats 
there. 

What  is  the  smallest  bridge  in  the  world  ? 
The  bridge  of  your  nose. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  spendthrift 
and  a  pillow  ?  One  is  hard  up,  the  other  is 
soft  down. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  hen  and  an 
idle  musician  ?  One  lays  at  pleasure  the  other 
plays  at  leisure. 


38 

Why  are  deaf  people  like  India  shawls  ?  Be- 
cause you  can't  make  them  here  (hear). 

Why  are  book-keepers  like  chickens  ?  Be- 
cause they  have  to  scratch  for  a  living. 

What  wind  would  a  hungry  sailor  be  apt  to 
wish  for  ?  One  that  blows  fowl  and  chops 
about. 

What  tongue  is  it  that  frequently  hurts  and 
grieves  you,  and  yet  does  not  speak  a  word  ? 
The  tongue  of  your  shoe. 

Why  is  scraping  out  a  turnip  a  noisy  pro- 
ceeding ?     Because  it  tnakes  it  hollow. 

What  is  that  from  w'ai.  h  you  may  take  away 
the  whole  and  still  have  some  left  ?  The  w^ord 
wliolesome. 

When  is  a  neWvSpaper  the  sharpest  ?  When 
it  is  filed. 

Why  is  English  grammar  like  gout  ?  Be- 
cause it's  torture  (taught  3'er). 

Give  a  good  definition  of  a  button.  A  small 
afiair  that  is  always  coming  off. 

What  is  the  greatest  feat,  in  the  eating  w^a3% 
ever  known  ?  That  recorded  of  a  man  who 
commenced  by  bolting  a  door,  after  which  he 
threw  up  a  window,  and  theti  sat  down  and 
swallowed  a  wdaole  story. 


39 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  choir  mas- 
ter and  a  lady^s  dress?  The  one  trains  a 
choir,  the  other  acquires  a  train. 

Why  has  a  great  g3^mnast  very  wonderful 
digestion  ?  Because  he  Hves  on  ropes  and  poles 
and  thrives. 

What  is  a  singular  and  melancholy  fact  in 
the  history  of  IMilton  ?  That  he  could  recite 
his  poems  but  could  not  resight  himself. 

Wh}'  is  Canada  like  courtship  ?  Because  it 
borders  on  the  United  States. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  farmer  and 
a  seamstress  ?  One  gathers  what  he  sows,  the 
other  sews  what  she  gathers. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  cow  and  an 
old  chair?  One  gives  milk,  the  other  gives 
way  (whey). 

Why  is  a  washerwoman  like  Saturday  ?  Be- 
cause she  brings  in  the  clothes  (closej  of  the 
week. 

Why  is  an  actress  like  an  angel  ?  Because 
we  seldom  see  one  that  is  not  painted. 

At  what  time  by  the  clock  is  a  pun  most 
effective  ?     When  it  strikes  one. 

What  is  that  which  never  asks  any  questions, 
but  requires  so  many  answers  ?     The  door-bell 


40 

What  kind  of  a  book  do  some  men  wish  their 
wives  might  resemble  ?  An  almanac,  for  then 
they  could  have  a  new  one  every  year. 

Why  does  the  conductor  cut  a  hole  in  your 
railroad  ticket  ?     To  let  you  pass  through. 

Why  is  an  old  coat  like  iron  ?  Because  it  is 
a  specimen  of  hardware  (wear). 

Why  is  a  list  of  celebrated  musical  composers 
like  a  sauce-pan  ?  Because  it  is  incomplete 
without  a  Handel. 

In  what  key  should  a  man  propose  to  his 
sweetheart?     Be  mine,  ah  (B  minor). 

When  a  church  is  burning,  what  is  the  only 
part  that  stands  no  chance  at  all  of  being  saved  ? 
The  organ,  because  the  engine  can't  play 
upon  it. 

Why  is  the  Fourth  of  July  like  an  oyster  ? 
Because  we  cannjt  enjoy  it  without  crack- 
ers. 

When  is  a  newspaper  like  a  delicate  child  ? 
When  it  appears  weekly. 

If  all  the  seas  were  dried  up,  what  would  old 
Neptune  say?  I  really  haven't  an  ocean  (a 
notion). 

Why  is  the  letter  A  like  twelve  o'clock  ?  Be- 
cause it  comes  in  the  middle  of  day. 


41 

Why  is  a  false  friend  like  the  letter  P  ?  Be- 
cause,  although  always  first  in  pity,  he  is 
always  last  in  help. 

What  is  that  which  occurs  twice  in  a  mo- 
ment and  not  once  in  a  thousand  years  ?  The 
letter  M. 

Why  are  butchers  thieves?  Because  they 
steal  a  knife  and  cut  away  with  it. 

Why  should  a  man  troubled  with  the  gout 
make  his  will  ?  Because  he  will  then  have  his 
leg  at  ease  (legatees). 

Why  is  a  mirror  like  a  very  ungrateful 
friend  ?  Because,  although  you  may  load  his 
back  with  silver,  he  will  reflect  on  you. 

Wliat  is  the  difference  between  some  women 
and  their  looking-glasses?  The  former  talk 
without  reflecting,  the  latter  reflect  without 
talking. 

Which  is  the  hardest  of  all  soaps?  Cast 
steel  ( Castile j. 

On  what  supposition  could  pocket  handker- 
chiefs build  a  house  ?  If  they  became  brick 
(be  cambric). 

Wlu"  is  a  true  and  faithful  friend  like  garden 
seeds?  Because  you  never  know  the  value  of 
either  until  they  are  put  under  ground. 


4» 

When  does  a  man  alwaj^s  have  brown  hands? 
When  he's  tand'em  driving. 

What  is  that  which  is  seen  twice  in  "  every 
day"  and  four  times  in  "every  week,"  yet 
only  once  in  a  year  ?    The  vowel  e. 

Which  are  the  only  two  words  in  the  English 
language  where  the  five  vowels  follow  in  suc- 
cessive order  ?     Facetious  and  abstemious. 

What  w^ord  is  there  of  eight  letters  which  has 
five  of  them  the  same  ?     Oroonoko. 

What  words  ma}^  be  pronounced  quicker  and 
shorter  by  adding  another  syllable  to  them? 
Quick  and  short. 

What  word  composed  of  five  letters  can  you 
take  the  first  two  letters  from  and  have  one 
remain  ?     Stone. 

Which  word  in  the  English  language  con- 
tains the  greatest  number  of  letters  ?  Dispro- 
portion ableness . 

What  relation  is  a  child  to  its  own  father 
when  it  is  not  its  own  father's  son  ?  A  daugh- 
ter. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  milky 
way  and  a  room  full  of  great-grandfathers  ? 
One  is  a  lot  of  pale  stars,  the  other  a  lot  of  stale 
pas. 


43 

What  was  it  a  blind  man  took  at  breakfast 
which  restored  his  sight  ?  He  took  a  cup  and 
saw,  sir  (^saucer). 

Why  are  pipes  all  humbug  ?  Because  the 
best  of  them  are  all  meer-shams. 

Why  is  a  meerschaum  like  a  water-color 
artist  ?     Because  it  draws  and  colors  beati fully. 

If  you  saw  a  dude  riding  on  a  donkey,  what 
fruit  would  3^ou  be  reminded  of?     A  pair. 

.What  is  that  which  a  cat  has,  but  no  other 
animal  ?     Kittens. 

What  are  the  features  of  a  canon  ?  Cannon- 
mouth,  cannon  ize,  and  cannon-eers. 

Show  that  twice  ten  is  equal  to  twice  eleven. 
Twice  ten  is  twenty,  and  twice  eleven  is 
twenty-two  (twent\',  too). 

What  word  of  six  letters  contains  six  words 
besides  itself,  without  transposing  a  letter? 
Herein — he,  her,  here,  ere,  rein,  in. 

When  is  a  teapot  like  a  kitten  ?  When 
3^ou're  teasin'  it  (tea's  in  it). 

Wh}^  is  a  portrait  like  a  member  of  Con- 
gress ?     Because  it  is  a  representative. 

Why  is  a  madman  like  two  men  ?  Because 
he  is  a  man  beside  liimself. 


44 

Who  was  the  first  whistler,  and  what  tuna 
did  he  whistle?  The  wind — "Over  the  Hilis 
and  Far  Away." 

Why  is  an  unbound  book  like  a  person  in 
bed  ?     Because  it  is  in  sheets. 

Why  is  a  drawn  tooth  like  a  thing  that  is 
forgotten  ?     Because  it  is  out  of  the  head. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  glass  of 
water  and  a  glass  of  whiskey  ?     Ten  cents. 

Why  is  a  paper  like  a  beggar  ?  Because  it 
is  composed  of  rags. 

Why  is  a  good  cabbage  the  most  amiable  of 
vegetables?     Because  it  is  all  heart. 

Why  is  an  intoxicated  man  like  a  noun  ad- 
jective ?     Because  he  seldom  stands  alone. 

Why  is  a  clergyman's  horse  like  a  king? 
Because  he  is  guided  by  a  minister. 

Why  is  a  man  in  a  garret  committing  mur- 
der like  a  good  man  ?  Because  he  is  above 
committing  a  bad  action. 

Why  was  the  Parliament  of  the  Common- 
wealth like  Samson  ?  Because  it  overthrew  a 
house  of  lords. 

Why  is  an  avaricious  man  like  one  with  a 
^hort  memory  ?     He  is  always  for  getting. 


What  is  that  which  lives  in  winter,  dies  in 
summer,  and  grows  with  its  root  upward  ?  An 
icicle. 

Why  is  a  blacksmith's  apron  Hke  a  convent  ? 
Because  it  keeps  off  the  sparks. 

Why  is  a  lady  when  embraced  like  a  pocket- 
book  ?     Because  she  is  clasped. 

Wh}^  is  a  wick  of  a  candle  Hke  Athens  ? 
Because  it  is  in  Greece  (grease J. 

Why  is  a  fender  hke  Westminister  Abbe}'  ? 
Because  it  contains  the  ashes  of  the  grate 
(great> 

Wh}'  is  a  handsome  woman  like  bread  ? 
Because  she  is  often  toasted. 

What  is  that  which  a  coach  cannot  move 
without,  and  yet  is  not  of  the  least  use  to  it  ? 
Noise. 

What  does  a  stone  become  when  in  the 
water?     A  whetstone  (wet  stone). 

When  is  a  very  angry  man  like  a  clock  fift}-- 
nine  minutes  past  twelve?  When  he  is  just 
going  to  strike  one. 

If  3'ou  were  obliged  to  swallow  a  man.  what 
kind  of  a  one  would  you  prefer  to  swallow  ?  A 
little  Dublin  porter. 


46 

What  question  is  Ihat  to  which  3'ou  must 
alwaj'S  answer  "  yes  "  ?  What  does  y-e  s  spell  ? 

What  four  letters  of  the  alphabet  would 
frighten  a  thief?     O  I  C  U  (oh  !  I  see  you). 

Why  must  a  magistrate  be  cold  and  chilly  ? 
Because  he  is  just  ice  (justice). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  new  five- 
cent  piece  and  an  old  fashioned  quarter  ? 
Twenty  cents. 

Why  does  a  man  go  into  the  law,  remain  in 
the  law,  and  go  out  of  the  law  ?  He  goes  into 
the  law  to  get  on,  he  remains  in  the  law  to  get 
oner,  he  retires  from  the  law  to  get  onest. 

What  is  the  cheapest  way  to  buy  a  fiddle  ? 
Buy  a  little  medicine  and  get  a  vial  in  ? 

Speak  only  two  letters  and  thus  name  the 
destiny  of  all  earthly  things  ?     D.  K. 

Why  was  Robinson  Crusoe  not  alone  on  the 
desert  island?  Because  there  was  a  heavy 
swell  on  the  beach  and  a  sand}-  cove  runnmg 
up  the  shore. 

Why  is  a  buckwheat-cake  like  a  caterpillar  ? 
Because  it  makes  the  butter-fly. 

What  is  that  which  has  neither  flesh  nor 
bone,  yet  has  four  fingers  and  a  thumb?  A 
glove. 


47 

Barnum  drove  a  ten-iii-haiid  through  New 
York  city,  and  his  horses  had  only  twenty-four 
feet  among  them  ;  how  was  that  ?  They  had 
twenty  fore  feet. 

What  trade  does  the  sun  follow  in  the  month 
of  May  ^     Mason  (May  sun). 

Of  what  trade  are  all  the  Presidents  of  the 
United  States  ?     Cabinet-makers. 

Of  what  trade  is  a  minister  at  a  wedding  ? 
A  joiner. 

Of  what  occupation  is  a  manager  of  a 
theatre  ?     A  stage-driver. 

What  miss  is  that  whose  compan}-  no  one 
ever  wants  ?     Mis-fortune. 

What  misses  are  those  whose  da^-s  are  always 
unlucky  ?     Mis-chance  and  mis-hap. 

What  miss  is  ahvays  making  blunders  ?  Mis- 
take. 

What  misses  are  of  a  ver\' jealous  temper? 
Mis-give  and  mis-trust. 

When  is  it  no  misfortune  for  a  young  lady  to 
lose  her  good  name  ?  When  a  3-oung  man  gives 
her  a  better  one. 

When  does  a  dentist  do  the  most  work  ? 
When  he  extracts  several  acres  cachers). 


4S 

\Vliy  is  an  umbrella  a  paradox  ?  Because  it 
IS  best  when  used  up. 

What  happens  when  a  light  falls  into  the 
water  at  an  angle  of  fort\-five  degrees?  It 
goes  out. 

What  great  surgical  operation  does  the  manu- 
facturing of  maple-sugar  remind  you  of?  Tree 
panning. 

In  what  way  do  women  ruin  their  husbands  ? 
In  buy-wa3's. 

Why  has  the  shoemaker  wonderful  powers 
of  endurance  ?  Because  he  holds  on  to  the 
last. 

What  part  of  the  face  resembles  a  school- 
master? The  eyelid,  because  it  always  has  a 
pupil  under  the  lash. 

Why  is  it  that  you  and  I  must  never  dine 
together?  Because  U  can  never  come  until 
after  I. 

What  profession  is  a  postman  ?  He  is  a  man 
of  letters. 

At  what  time  of  life  may  a  man  be  said  to 
belong  to  the  vegetable  kingdom  ?  When  long 
experience  has  made  him  sage. 

Which  is  the  gayest  letter  in  the  alphabet  ? 
U,  because  it  is  always  in  fun. 


49 

Which  are  the  lightest  men,  Scotch,  Irish, 
or  Englishmen  ?  Englishmen.  In  Scotland 
there  are  men  of  Ayr ;  in  Ireland  men  of  Cork, 
but  in  England  are  lightermen. 

When  is  a  boat  like  a  heap  of  snow  ?  When 
it  is  adrift. 

What  'bus  has  found  room  for  the  greatest 
number  of  people  ?     Columbus. 

Which  is  heavier,  a  half  or  a  full  moon  ? 
The  half,  because  the  full  moon  is  as  light 
again. 

What  tree  is  of  the  greatest  importance  in 
history  ?    The  date. 

When  is  a  man  like  a  frozen  rain  ?  When  he 
is  hail  (hale). 

When  is  a  lad3^'s  arm  not  a  lady's  arm? 
When  it  is  a  little  bare  (bear). 

Why  is  a  short  negro  like  a  white  man  ? 
Because  he  is  not  a  tall  black. 

Why  is  a  ver>^  discontented  man  easily  sati^ 
fied  ?     Because  nothing  satisfies  him. 

Why  are  ripe  •  potatoes  in  the  ground  like 
thieves  ?     Because  they  ought  to  be  taken  up. 

Wh}^  is  the  north  pole  like  an  illicit  whisky 
manufactorv  ?     Because  it  is  a  secret  stiU. 


50 

Why  are  bells  the  most  obedient  of  inani- 
mate things  ?  Because  they  make  a  noise 
whenever  they  are  told. 

Why  is  it  unjust  to  blame  coachmen  for 
cheating  us  ?  Because  we  call  them  to  take  us 
in. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  cat  and  a 
comma  ?  A  cat  has  its  claws  at  the  end  of  its 
paws,  a  comma  its  pause  at  the  end  of  a  clause. 

Why  are  the  makers  of  the  Armstrong  guns 
the  greatest  thieves  in  her  Majesty's  service  ? 
Because  they  rifle  all  the  guns,  forge  the 
materials,  and  steel  all  the  gun  breeches. 

How  may  book-keeping  be  taught  in  a  lesson 
of  three  words  ?     Never  lend  them. 

Why  is  a  blush  an  anomaly?  Because  a 
woman  who  blushes  is  admitted  for  her  cheek. 

Why  are  Whigs  and  wigs  alike?  Because 
they  both  profess  an  attachment  to  the  crown. 

What  trade  is  like  the  sun  ?     A  tanner's. 

What  is  an  extra  dry  subject  ?     A  mummy. 

What  is  a  counter-irritant  ?  A  fashionable 
woman  shopping. 

Why  are  hogs  like  trees  ?  Because  they  root 
for  a  living. 


5t 

Why  is  the  moon  Hke  a  marriage  contract  ? 
Because  it  governs  the  tide. 

Why  do  girls  kiss  each  other  and  men  not  ? 
Because  girls  have  nothing  better  to  kiss,  and 
men  have. 

What  did  the  muffin  say  to  the  toasting-fork  ? 
You're  too  pointed. 

What  composer  is  most  noted  of  modern 
times  ?     Chloroform. 

What  is  better  than  to  give  credit  to  whom 
it  is  due  ?     Give  the  cash. 

Which  musical  instrument  is  the  most  moral  ? 
An  upright  piano. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  dog's  tail 
and  a  rich  man  ?  One  keeps  a  wagging  and 
the  other  keeps  a  carriage. 

How  did  Kenr\^  the  Eighth  differ  as  a  suiter 
from  other  men?  He  married  his  wives  and 
axed  them  afterward. 

Why  does  a  man's  hair  generally  turn  gray 
sooner  than  his  mustache?  Because  it  is 
about  twenty-one  years  older. 

When  did  George  Washington  first  take  a 
carriage  ?  When  he  took  a  hack  at  the  cherry- 
tree. 


52 

What  is  the  political  character  of  a  water- 
wheel  ?     Revolutionary. 

Why  is  a  vsolar  eclipse  like  a  mother  beat- 
ing her  boy  ?  Because  it  is  a  hiding  of  the 
son. 

How  can  a  man  make  his  mone}'  go  a  long 
way  ?     By  contributing  to  foreign  missions. 

Why  is  a  person  reading  these  conundrums 
like  a  man  condemned  to  undergo  a  militar}^ 
execution  ?  Because  he  is  pretty  sure  to  be 
riddled  to  death. 

Where  can  one  always  find  pleasure  and  hap- 
piness ?     In  the  dictionar3^ 

During  the  month  of  heavy  showers,  how 
has  the  umbrella  been  persistently  bluffing  the 
game  ?  It  has  been  ' '  put  up  or  shut  up  ' '  with 
it  all  the  while. 

When  does  a  man  impose  on  himself?  When 
he  taxes  his  memory. 

Wh}^  is  a  young  man  visiting  his  sweetheart 
like  the  growth  of  a  successful  newspaper? 
His  visits  commenced  on  a  weekly,  grew  to  be 
tri- weekly,  and  then  become  daily,  with  a 
Sunday  supplement. 


53 

When  is  iiione}'  damp  ?  When  It  is  due  in 
the  morning  and  missed  at  night. 

What  killed  Julius  Caesar  ?     Roman  punches. 

How  does  the  postage-stamp  have  the  ad- 
vantage of  the  small  boy  ?  It  can  never  be 
licked  but  once. 

Why  were  the  brokers  in  the  panic  of  1873 
like  Pharaoh's  daughter?  They  saved  a  little 
prophet  from  the  rushes  on  the  banks. 

Why  is  an  alligator  the  most  deceitful  of 
animals?  Because  he  takes  you  in  with  an 
open  countenance. 

Why  are  chemists  and  alchemists  both  of 
the  feminine  gender?  Because  one  is  an  ana- 
lyzer (Ann  Eliza),  the  other  a  charlatan  (Char- 
lotte Ann). 

How  do  we  know  that  Noah  had  a  pig  in 
the  Ark?     Because  he  had  Ham. 

My  first  is  used  in  driving,  my  second  is 
needy,  my  third  isanickname,  and  my  whole  is 
a  bird?     Whip-poor-will. 

Why  is  sympathy  like  blind  man's  buff? 
Because  it  is  a  fellow  feeling  for  a  fellow  mor- 
tal. 


54 

Why  does  the  air  seem  fresher  in  winter  than 
/t  docs  in  summer?  Because  it's  kept  on  ice 
most  of  the  time. 

Why  i:re  fish  well  educated  ?  They  have  a 
taste  foi  going  in  schools. 

What  is  the  difference  between  one  yard  and 
two  3'ards  >     A  fence. 

Wliy  is  ihe  letter  S  like  thunder  ?  It  makes 
our  cream  sour  cream. 

Which  is  tlie  easier  way  to  commit  suicide, 
by  taking  laudanum  or  drowning?  Ether 
(either)  is  good . 

Why  is  Buckingham  Palace  the  cheapest 
piece  of  property  in  England?  Because  it  was 
bought  for  a  crown  and  kept  up  by  a  sovereign. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  light  in  a 
cave  and  a  dance  in  an  inn  ?  One  is  a  taper  in 
a  cavern,  the  other  a  caper  in  a  tavern. 

Why  are  records  brittle  things  ?  Because 
they  cannot  be  lowered  without  breaking. 

What  is  the  difference  between  forms  and 
ceremonies  ?  You  sit  upon  one  and  stand  on 
the  other. 

Why  is  a  door  in  the  r>otential  mood  ?  It's 
would  (wood)  or  should  be 


55 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  man  going 
up  stairs  and  one  looking  up  ?  One  is  stepping 
up  the  stairs,  the  other  staring  up  the  steps. 

Whv  are  birds  melancholy  in  the  morning? 
Because  their  little  bills  are  all  over  due. 

What  is  there  remarkable  about  a  yard-stick  ? 
Though  it  has  no  head  or  tail,  it  has  a  foot  at 
each  end  and  one  in  the  middle. 

If  a  man  shot  at  two  frogs  and  killed  one, 
what  would  the  other  one  do  ?     Croak. 

What  makes  the  waves  so  wild?-  It  is  hav- 
ing the  wind  blow  them  up. 

Why  are  apples  like  printer's  types?  Be- 
cause they  are  often  in  pi(e). 

My  first  denotes  equality,  my  second,  in- 
feriority, and  my  whole  supepority.  Match- 
less. 

Why  are  fatigued  persons  like  a  wagon 
wheel?     Because  they  are  always  tired. 

Whv  is  a  tin  can  tied  to  a  dog's  tail  like 
death?     Because  it's  bound  to  a  cur  (occur\ 

Why  is  a  widow  like  a  gardener  ?  Because 
she  tries  to  get  rid  of  her  weeds. 

Why  are  young  ladies  bad  grammarians? 
Because  so  few  can  decline  matrimony. 


5^ 

Why  are  potatoes  and  corn  like  certain  sin- 
ners ol'  old?  Because,  having  eyes,  they  see 
not,  and  having  ears  they  hear  not. 

Why  are  bhud  persons  compassionate  ?  Be- 
cause they  feel  for  other  persons. 

Why  are  cowardly  soldiers  like  tallow  can- 
dles ?  Because  when  exposed  to  the  fire  they 
run. 

Why  is  Satan  always  a  gentleman  ?  Be- 
cause, being  the  imp  of  darkness  he  can  never 
be  imp-o' -light. 

How  much  earth  is  in  a  hole  3^x6^-3  ft.? 
None. 

Why  is  a  pretty  girl  like  a  locomotive  ?  Be- 
cause she  sends  off  the  sparks,  transports  the 
mails,  and  has  a  train  following  her. 

What  is  the  cheapest  feature  of  the  face? 
Nostrils,  two  for  a  scent  (cent). 

Why  are  stout  gentlemen  prone  to  melan- 
choh^  ?     Because  they  are  men  of  size  (sighs). 

When  does  the  rain  become  too  familiar  to  a 
lady  ?  When  it  begins  to  pat-her  (patter)  on 
the  back. 

What  relation  is  a  door  mat  to  a  door  step  ? 
A  step  farther. 


57 

■   Why  is  a  baker  like  some  ver}'  disreputable 
people  ?    Because  he's  a  loafer  and  a  white-cap. 

How  man}-  of  your  relatives  live  on  }'our 
property  ?     Ten- aunts  (tenants). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  dime  dated 
1899  and  a  new  dollar  ?     Ninety  cents. 

Wh}'  is  a  beehive  like  a  spectator  ?  ])ecause 
it  is  a  beeholder  (beholder). 

What  are  the  most  unsociable  things  in  the 
world  ?  Mile-stones,  for  you  never  see  two  of 
them  together. 

When  does  a  regiment  undergo  an  operation  ? 
\\'hen  deprived  of  its  arms. 

What  is  the  greatest  eyesore  in  a  farm  yard  ? 
A  pig-sty. 

AVliat  is  the  difference  between  the  manner 
of  the  death  of  a  barber  and  a  sculptor  ?  One 
curls  up  and  dies  and  the  other  makes  faces 
and  busts. 

Why  may  carpenters  reasonably  believe 
there  is  no  such  thing  as  stone  ?  Because  they 
never  saw  it. 

What  is  majest}^  deprived  of  its  externals? 
(M)  a  jest  (Y). 


58 

Wh}^  is  a  good  speller  of  a  spelling  match 
like  a  glass  of  champagne  ?  Because  they  both 
go  to  the  head. 

When  does  a  lady  think  her  husband  a  Her- 
cules?    When  fond  of  his  club. 

Why  is  it  that  a  fisherman  cannot  tell  his 
gross  profits  ?     Because  they  are  always  net. 

What  will  make  pies  inquisitive  ?  S  will 
make  spies  of  them. 

Why  is  an  empty  purse  expressive  of  con- 
stancy ?     Because  3^ou  find  no  change  in  it. 

When  can  donkey  be  spelt  with  one  letter  ? 
When  it's  "U." 

Why  is  a  tennis  player  like  a  society  youth 
of  limited  means  ?  He  is  obliged  to  miss  the 
ball  when  it  comes  high. 

Why  is  an  Irishman  trying  to  kiss  a  pretty 
girl  like  a  man  going  up  Mt.  Vesuvius?  Be- 
cause he  is  trying  to  get  at  the  mouth  of  the 
crater. 

Why  should  a  luusekeeper  never  put  the 
letter  M  into  her  refrigerator  !  Because  it  will 
change  ice  into  mice. 

What's  the  difference  between  vShakespeare 
and  Queen  Elizabeth  ?  He  was  a  wonder,  and 
she  was  a  Tudor. 


59 

Why  is  the  letter  R  indispensable  to  friend- 
ship ?•  Because  without  it  your  friends  would 
be  fiends. 

Which  are  the  two  most  disagreeable  letters 
if  you  get  too  much  of  them  ?     K  N  (cayenne  : 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  funny  fel- 
low and  a  butcher?  One  deals  out  wit,  the 
other  wit-ties. 

Wh}'  should  cocks  l)c  the  smoothest  birds 
known?  Because  they  always  have  a  comb 
about  them. 

What  insect  does  a  blacksmith  manufacture  ? 
He  makes  the  fire-fly. 

\\'hen  is  a  nose  not  a  nose  ?  When  it  is  a 
little  radish  (reddishX 

A\'heii  are  soldiers  best  able  to  draw  blisters  ? 
When  they  are  mustered  in  the  service. 

Why  is  love  like  a  potato  ?  Because  it  shoots 
from  the  eyes  and  gets  less  by  pairing. 

^X'hy  are  young  men  like  telescopes  ?  Be- 
cause you  can  draw  them  out,  see  through 
them  and  shut  them  up  again. 

Why  are  cats  like  unskillful  surgeons  ?  Be- 
cause they  mew^-till-late,  and  destroy  patients 
(patience). 


66 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  woman  and 
a  parasol  ?     You  can  shut  a  parasol  up. 

Why  is  Sunday  the  strono^est  day  in  the 
week  ?     Because  the  rest  are  week  days. 

Why  is  a  needle  one  of  the  most  persistent  of 
forces?  It  always  has  an  eye  open  for  busi- 
ness, and  invariably  carries  its  point. 

When  is  coffee  like  the  soil  ?  When  it  is 
ground. 

Why  are  soldier's  guns  always  safe?  Be- 
cause every  one  of  them  has  a  lock. 

When  is  a  man  not  a  man?  When  he's  a 
shaving. 

Why  is  a  man  who  is  fond  oi  his  cigars  like 
a  tallow  candle  ?  Because  he  will  smoke  when 
he  is  going  out. 

When  is  a  schoolmaster  like  a  man  with  one 
eye?     When  he  has  a  vacancy  for  a  pupil. 

Why  is  it  dangerous  to  take  a  nap  in  a  train  ? 
Because  the  cars  invariably  run  o^'er  sleepers. 

What  instrument  of  war  does  an  angry  lover 
resemble  ?    A  cross  bow 

My  first  is  a  vehicle,  my  second  is  a  preposi- 
tion, and  my  whole  is  part  of  a  ship.     Cab-in. 


6t 

What  grows  bigger  the  more  you  contrac^t 
it  ?     Debt. 

What  tricks  are  most  common  among  New 
York  pohcemen  ?     Patricks. 

Why  is  Asia  Hke  a  market  in  Thanksgiving 
or  Christmas  week  ?  There  is  always  a  Tur- 
key in  it. 

Wh}'  will  an  insolent  fishmonger  get  more 
business  than  a  civil  one  ?  Because  when  he 
sells  fish,  he  gives  sauce  with  it. 

Why  does  a  fat  man,  when  squeezed  compli- 
ment the  ladies  ?  Because  the  pressure  makes 
him  flatter. 

Why  is  an  old  man  like  a  window  ?  He  is 
full  of  pains  (panes). 

What's  the  difference  between  photograph- 
ing  and  the  whooping  cough  ?  One  makes  fnc 
similes,  the  other  makes  sick  families. 

What  is  smaller  than  a  mite's  mouth  ?  That 
which  goes  into  a  mite's  mouth. 

What  is  it  that  is  a  cat  and  not  a  cat,  and  yet 
is  a  cat  ?     A  kitten. 

Wh}'  was  the  dumb  waiter  returned  ?  Be- 
cause it  didn't  answer. 


62 

Bom  at  the  same  time  as  the  world,  destined 
to  live  as  long  as  the  world,  and  3'et  never  five 
weeks  old.     The  moon. 

Why  are  clouds  like  coachmen  ?  Because 
the)'  hold  the  rains  ^ reins). 

My  first  is  a  game,  my  second  is  what  we 
use  our  e^es  for,  my  whole  is  a  State  of 
America.     Tennes  see. 

Wh}'  should  a  favorite  hen  be  called  Mac- 
duff?    Because  we  wish  her  to  lay  on. 

Why  is  the  letter  G  like  the  sun?  It  is  the 
centre  of  light. 

Why  are  pretty  girls  like  fire-works.  Be- 
cause they  soon  go  off. 

Why  is  coal  the  most  contradictory  article 
known  to  commerce  ?  Because  when  pur- 
chased, instead  of  going  to  the  buyer  it  goes  to 
the  cel-lar. 

Wh}'  would  it  be  hard  on  ministers  to  preach 
without  notes?  Because  their  families  would 
suffer  without  the  greenbacks. 

In  what  sort  of  syllables  should  a  parrot  be 
taught  to  speak  ?     In  poUy  silly-bills. 

My  first  is  a  pronoun,  my  second  is  used  at 
weddings,  and  my  whole  is  an  inhabitant  of 
the  deep.     Her  ring. 


63 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  bee-hive  and 
a  bad  potato  ?  Xone.  One  is  a  bee-holder  ;  a 
bee-holder  is  a  speck' d  'tatur,  and  a  speck' d 
'tatur  is  a  bad  potato. 

What  cannot  be  called  a  disinterested  act  of 
hospitality  ?     Entertaining  a  hope. 

Why  is  a  school-boy  being  flogged,  like  your 
eye?     Because  he's  a  pupil  under  the  lash. 

When  may  an  ocean  liner  be  said  to  be  fool- 
ishly in  love  ?     When  attached  to  a  boy  (buoy.) 

My  first  is  formal,  my  second  is  a  flower, 
and  ni}^  whole  is  a  flower.     Prim-rose. 

Why  is  a  woman's  beauty  like  a  bank  note? 
Because  when  once  changed  it  soon  goes. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  tube  and  a 
foolish  Dutchman  ?  One  is  a  hollow  cylinder 
and  the  other  a  silly  Hollander. 

What  fruit  is  the  most  visionary  ?  The  apple 
of  the  eye. 

What  is  that  which  goes  from  Boston  to 
Providence  without  once  moving?  The  rail- 
road. 

What  notes  compose  the  most  favorite  tunes, 
and  how  many  tunes  do  they  compose  ?  Bank 
iiot'^s,  thev  make  (four)  fortunes. 


64 

Why  are  ladies'  eyes  like  persons  remote 
from  one  another?  Because,  although  they 
may  correspond,  they  never  meet. 

Why  don't  Sweden  have  to  send  abroad  for 
cattle?     Because  she  keeps  her  Stock-holm. 

Without  my  first  my  second  could  never  have 
existed,  and  my  whole  is  as  old  as  creation. 
Sun-day. 

When  is  a  gun  like  a  dismissed  servant? 
When  it  is  discharged  and  goes  off. 

What  is  everything  doing  at  the  same  time? 
Growing  older. 

What  should  you  do  if  3^ou  split  3'our  sides 
with  laughter?     Run  till  I  got  a  stitch  in  them. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  young  girl 
and  an  old  hat?  Merely  a  difference  of  time — 
one  has  feeling  and  the  other  has  felt. 

What  herb  is  most  injurious  to  a  lady's 
beauty?     Thyme. 

Why  is  an  aristocratic  seminary  for  young 
ladies  like  a  flower  garden  ?  Because  it  :s  a 
place  of  haughty  culture  (horticulture). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  clock  and  a 
partnership?  When  a  clock  is  wound  up  it 
goes  ;  when  a  firm  is  wound  up  it  stops. 


Hgw  do  you  know  when  night  is  nigh? 
When  the  t  (tea)  is  taken  away. 

Why  are  some  women  like  facts?  Because 
they  are  stubborn  things. 

If  a  dog  should  lose  his  tail  where  would  he 
get  another?  At  Wanamaker's,  where  every- 
thing is  retailed. 

Why  is  a  person  with  his  eyes  closed  like  a 
defective  schoolmaster  ?  He  keeps  his  pupils 
in  darkness. 

Why  is  early  grass  like  a  penknife  ?  Because 
2he  springs  bring  out  the  blades. 

Why  is  an  old  man's  farm  in  Texas  like  the 
focus  of  a  sun  glass?  It's  a  place  where  the 
sons  raise  meat  (sun's  rays  meet). 

Why  is  a  real  estate  man  not  a  man  of 
words?     Because  he  is  a  man  of  deeds. 

Why  is  the  isthmus  of  Suez  like  the  first  u 
in  cucumber?     Because  it's  between  two  seas. 

What  did  Ruth  do  to  offend  Boaz  ?  She 
pulled  his  ears  and  trod  on  his  corn. 

Why  are  some  singers  like  cheese  curds  ? 
Because  they  require  to  be  pressed. 

Why  ought  meat  to  be  only  half  cooked? 
Because  what's  done  cannot  be  helped. 


66 

Why  is  a  woman  like  the  telegraph  ?  Be' 
cause  she  is  always  in  advance  of  the  mail 
intelligence. 

What  article  that  we  wear  is  most  affection- 
ate? A  porous  plaster,  because  it  becomes 
v^ery  much  attached  to  us. 

Why  is  a  pawnbroker  like  a  drunkard  ?  Be- 
cause he  takes  the  pledge  but  cannot  always 
keep  it. 

Who  does  the  Bible  say  may  carr}'  on  a  flir- 
tation ?     It  says  widow's  mite  (might). 

Wh}^  are  respectable  hotels  like  the  elysium 
of  the  gods  ?  Because  no  bad  spirits  are  per- 
mitted to  enter  them. 

Why  is  grass  like  a  mouse  ?  Because  the 
cat'll  eat  it  (cattle  eat  it). 

Why  are  convicts  like  old  maids  going  to  be 
married?     Because  they  go  off  in  transports. 

How  do  we  know  the  fair  queen  of  day  has 
a  lover  ?  She  is  always  followed  by  a  night 
(knight). 

Why  are  the  Irish  poor  like  a  carpet  ?  Be- 
cause they  are  kept  down  by  tax  (tacks). 

Why  is  the  world  like  a  slate  ?  Because  the 
children  of  men  do  multiply  thereon. 


67 

Why  is  a  deleaLfcd  army  like  wool  ?  Because 
its  worsted. 

What  is  the  centre  of  gravity  ;■'  The  letter  V. 

What  three  letters  turn  a  girl  into  a  woman .'' 
A-g-e, 

Although  great  wealth  is  said  to  harden  the 
heart,  what  is  e\  cr\-  millionaire  sure  to  be  ?  A 
capital  fellow. 

What  belongs  to  yourself,  and  is  used  by 
your  friends  more  than  by  yourself?  Your 
name. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  an  old  toper  ?  When 
he  re- treats. 

Why  is  a  policeman  like  a  rainbow  ?  Because 
he  rarely  appears  until  the  storm  is  over. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  milkmaid 
and  a  swallow?  The  milkmaid  skims  the 
milk,  the  swallow  skims  the  water. 

Why  is  a  man's  face  shaved  in  January  like 
a  celebrated  fur?     Because  it's  a  chin-chilly. 

What  is  that  which  was  born  without  a  soul, 
lived  and  got  a  soul,  but  died  without  a  soul? 
The  whale  that  swallowed  Jonah. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  Roman 
Catholic  priest  and  a  Baptist  ?  One  uses  wax 
candles — the  other  dip*:- 


68 

When  is  a  doctor  most  aiiuoyed?  When  h* 
is  out  of  patients. 

Why  is  a  poor  acquaintance  better  than  a 
rich  one  ?     A  friend  in  need  is  a  friend  indeed. 

What  is  there  remarkable  about  a  ])ee? 
Why,  ordinarily  it  has  but  little  to  say,  >'et 
generally  carries  its  point. 

Wh}^  is  the  first  chicken  of  a  brood  like  the 
mainmast  of  a  ship?  Because  it's  a  little 
ahead  of  the  main  hatch. 

How  many  persons  can  a  deaf  and  dumb  man 
tickle?     He  can  ges-tickle-eight  (gesticulate), 

What  is  the  easiest  way  to  keep  water  out  oi" 
the  house  ?     Omit  to  pay  your  water  tax. 

What  is  it  that  is  queer  about  flowers  ?  They 
shoot  before  they  have  pistils. 

What  is  the  best  form  for  a  soldier?  Uni- 
form. 

What  is  the  best  uniform  for  a  soldier? 
Right  dress. 

When  does  a  dog  become  larger  and  smaller? 
When  let  out  at  night,  and  taken  in  in  the 
morning. 

What  prescription  is  best  for  a  poet?  A 
composing  draught. 


69 

Why  does  a  bay  horse  never  pay  toll  ?  Be- 
cause his  master  pays  it  for  him. 

Why  is  the  letter  S  like  a  pert  repartee  ?  Be- 
cause it  begins  and  ends  in  sauciness. 

What  is  the  best  way  to  keep  a  man's  love? 
Not  to  return  it. 

When  is  a  soldier  a  wagon  maker  ?  When 
he  makes  a  wheel. 

Why  is  beef  suitable  for  a  Christmas  dinner? 
Meet  for  rejoicing. 

How  was  Admiral  Dewey's  naval  rank  re- 
duced when  he  got  married  ?  He  became  Mrs. 
Dewey's  second  mate. 

Why  is  a  little  dog's  tail  like  the  heart  of  a 
tree  ?     Because  it's  farthest  from  the  bark. 

Why  are  actresses  like  pipes  ?  They  are 
mere-shams. 

What  workman  never  turns  to  the  lett  ?  A 
wheehvright. 

Why  does  a  freight  car  need  no  locomotive  ? 
The  freight  makes  the  car-go. 

When  are  weeds  not  weeds  ?  When  they  be- 
come widows. 

What  is  better  than  presence  of  mind  in  a 
railroad  accident  ?     Absence  of  body. 


70 

Wh}^  is  a  balloonist  greatly  to  be  envied  ? 
Because  he  rises  rapidly  in  the  world  and  has 
excellent  prospects. 

What  letter  in  the  alphabet  is  most  useful  to 
a  deaf  old  woman  ?  The  letter  A,  because  it 
makes  her  hear. 

What  is  the  color  of  a  grass  plot  covered  with 
snow?     Invisible  green. 

How  does  water  get  into  the  watermelon  ? 
The  seed  is  planted  in  the  spring. 

Why  is  a  man  in  front  of  a  crowd  well  sup- 
ported ?     Because  he  hns  the  press  at  his  back. 

Wliat  subject  can  be  made  light  of?     Gas. 

If  Dick's  father  be  John's  son,  what  relation 
is  Dick  to  John?     His  grandson. 

When  is  a  silver  cup  most  likely  to  run  ? 
When  it's  chased. 

When  may  a  man's  pocket  be  empt}"  and  yet 
have  something  in  it  ?  When  it  has  a  hole  in 
it. 

Why  is  an  engraver  fearless  of  drowning  ? 
Because  he  is  accustomed  to  die  sinking. 

Why  are  quinine  and  gentian  like  the  Ger- 
mans ?    Because  they  are  two  tonics  (teutonics). 


71 

Why  should  the  proof-reader  of  a  printing 
establishment  be  considered  the  best  read  man 
going?  Because  there's  proof  that  he  reads 
every  hour  of  the  day. 

When  is  butter  like  In.sh  children  ?  When 
it  is  made  into  little  pats. 

If  all  the  money  in  the  world  was  divided 
equally  among  the  people  what  would  each 
one  get  ?     An  equal  share. 

What  are  the  most  difficult  ships  to  conquer? 
Hard- ships. 

Why  don't  foreign  noblemen  marry  poor 
American  girls  as  well  as  rich  ones  ?  A  poor 
girl  has  no  principal,  hence  no  interest,  and  with- 
out either  she  cannot  bank  account  (a  count). 

Why  does  a  dressmaker  never  lose  her 
hooks'?  Because  she  has  an  eye  to  each  of 
them. 

Why  is  a  wedding  ring  like  eternity  i*  Be- 
cause it  has  neither  beginning  nor  end  ? 

What  did  the  blind  man  say  to  the  police- 
man when  he  told  him  he  would  arrest  him  if 
he  did  not  move  on?      I'd  just  like  to  see  you. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  drinker  and 
a  smoker?  One  is  a  Bacchanahan  and  the 
other  a  tobacconalian. 


72 

When  Homer  called  the  sea  barren,  why  did 
it  illustrate  the  age  in  which  he  lived?  Be- 
cause it  was  before  Cecrops  (sea  crops). 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  cow  and  an 
old  chair?  One  gives  milk,  the  other  gives 
wa}^  (whey). 

Wh}-  should  Pope  Leo  XIII  be  a  ver}-  un- 
lucky man?  Because  he  is  always  the  thir- 
teenth at  table. 

What  is  the  difference  l)etween  a  life  of  leis- 
ure and  a  life  of  idleness  ?  They  are  the  same 
thing,  only  different  titles. 

What  word  of  one  syllable,  if  you  take  two 
letters  from  it,  becomes  a  word  of  two  s}'l- 
lables?     Plague;  ague. 

A  crown  which  was  the  pride  of  ancient 
Rome  :  whichever  wav  it  is  read,  it  is  the  same. 
Civic. 

\\' hat  lesson  of  life  can  the  small  boy  learn 
from  the  fire  engine?  It  must  work  or  it  can't 
play. 

Why  is  a  young  lady  like  a  sheaf  of 
w^heat?  First  she  is  cradled,  then  thrashed, 
and  finally  she  becomes  the  flour  of  the  family. 

W'ho  is  it  that  always  has  a  number  of  move- 
ments on  foot  for  making  money  ?  A  dancing 
master. 


73 

In  what  respect  does  a  piano  lamp  resemble 
a  society-club  man?  it  has  a  good  deal  of 
brass  about  it,  requires  much  attention,  is  not 
remarkably  brilliant,  is  sometimes  unsteady 
upon  its  legs,  liable  to  explode  when  only  half 
full,  flares  up  occasionally,  it  is  always  out  at 
bed-time,  and  is  bound  to  smoke. 

How  can  hunters  find  their  game  in  the 
woods?     By  listening  to  the  bark  of  the  trees. 

Why  does  a  man  think  of  his  mother's  .slip- 
pers when  he  handles  the  lines  behind  a  fine, 
well-matched  pair  of  horses?  Because  they 
are  such  a  spanking  pair. 

What  is  that  which  is  sometimes  with  a  head, 
without  a  head,  with  a  tail,  and  without  a  tail  ? 
A  wng. 

Why  is  a  committee  of  inquir}-  like  a  can- 
non?    It  makes  a  report. 

What  is  more  wonderful  than  a  horse  that 
can  count?     A  spelling  bee. 

Why  are  tallest  people  the  laziest^  Because 
they  are  always  longer  in  bed  than  others. 

Who  was  the  most  successful  financier  men- 
tioned in  the  Bible?  Noah,  because  he  floated 
a  limited  company  when  all  the  rest  of  the 
world  was  in  liquidation. 


74 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  Prince  of 
Wales  and  the  water  in  a  fountain?  One  is 
heir  to  the  throne,  the  other  thrown  to  the  air. 

Why  is  a  college  student  like  a  thermometer? 
Because  he  is  graduated  and  marked  by  de- 
grees. 

What  bird  is  low-spirited?     The  blue-bird. 

Why  don't  they  take  fare  from  policemen  on 
the  trolley  cars?  Because  they  can't  get  a 
nickel  out  of  a  copper. 

Why  is  a  tournament  like  sleep?  It  is  a 
(k)nightly  occupation. 

Why  is  a  schoolmaster  like  the  letter  C? 
He  forms  lasses  into  classes. 

Why  don't  the  Boers  wash  themselves? 
Because  they  are  waiting  to  get  a  good  licking 
from  the  English. 

Why  is  bread  like  the  sun  ?  Because  it  rises 
from  the  3-east. 

When  is  a  chair  like  a  lady's  dress  ?  When 
its  satin. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  a  watch  ?  When  he 
is  on  guard. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  a  king  ?  When  he 
appears  with  his  pomp-on. 


75 

What  object  is  walking  over  the  water  and 
under  the  water,  j-etdoes  not  touch  the  water  ? 
A  woman  crossing  a  bridge  over  a  river  with  a 
pail  of  water  on  her  head. 

Why  is  love  like  a  canal  boat  ?  Because  it  is 
an  internal  transport. 

When  does  a  chair  dislike  }ou  ?  When  it 
can't  bear  you. 

Why  is  a  duel  quickly  managed?  Because 
it  takes  onh'  two  seconds  to  arrange  it. 

What  burns  to  keep  a  secret  ?     Sealing-wax. 

Why  is  a  nobleman  like  a  book  ?  Because 
he  has  a  title. 

What  class  of  women  are  most  apt  to  give 
tone  to  society  ?     The  belles. 

What  is  that  which  has  a  mouth  but  never 
speaks,  and  a  bed  but  never  lies  in  it  ?  A 
river. 

Wh}'  is  a  defeated  arm>-  like  wool  ?  Because 
it  is  worsted. 

What  is  the  difference  between  the  wreck 
of  a  bank  and  the  wreck  of  a  ship  ?  One  is 
caused  by  the  presence  of  rocks,  the  other  by 
the  scarcity  of  rocks. 


76 

What  is  that  which  we  all  can  eat,  and  often 

•  drink,  though  it  sometimes  is  a  woman  and 

often  a  man  ?     We  eat  toast  and  drink  a  toast. 

Why  would  a  compliment  from  a  chicken  be 
an  insult  ?     Because  it  would  be  foul  language. 

Why  is  a  cherry  like  a  book  ?  Because  it  is 
red  (read). 

Why  are  heavy  showers  like  heavy  drinkers  ? 
Because  they  usually  begin  with  little  drops. 

What  is  that  by  losing  an  eye  has  nothing  left 
but  a  nose  ?     A  noise. 

Why  is  a  four-quart  jar  like  a  lady's  side- 
saddle ?     Because  it  holds  a  gal-on  (gallon  ). 

Wh}'  is  fashionable  societ>-  like  a  warming- 
pan  ?  Because  it  is  highly  polished  but  very 
hollow. 

Why  are  l)alloons  in  the  air  like  vagrants? 
Because  they  have  no  visible  means  of  support. 

\\'hat  islands  would  form  a  dainty  and  cheer- 
ful luncheon  for  a  party  ?  Sandwich  and 
Madeira. 

What  must  a  good  surgeon  have  to  be  suc- 
cessful ?  He  must  have  an  eagle's  eye,  a  lion's 
heart,  and  a  lady's  hand. 


77 

Why  is  rheum  ilism  like  a  great  eater  ?  Be- 
cause it  attacks  the  joints. 

If  I  were  in  the  sun  and  you  were  out  of  it 
what  would  the  sun  become  I     Sin. 

Why  would  an  owl  be  offended  at  your  call- 
ing him  a  pheasant  ?  Because  you  would  be 
making  game  of  him. 

Why  is  anthracite  coal  like  true  love  ?  Be- 
cause it  burns  with  a  steady  flame. 

Why  is  a  very  amusing  man  like  a  bad 
shot  ?     Because  he  keeps  the  game  alive. 

When  people  are  quarreling  out  of  doors, 
what  should  they  do?     Co-in-side  (go  inside). 

Why  is  Berlin  the  most  dissipated  city  in 
Europe  ?     Because  it  is  always  on  the  Spree. 

Which  is  the  favorite  word  with  women  ? 
The  last  one. 

Why  is  Father  Time  like  a  fashionable  young 
man  ?     Because  he  travels  by  cycles  (bicycles). 

Luke  had  it  first,  Paul  had  it  last ;  boys 
never  have  it  ;  girls  have  it  but  once  ;  Miss 
Sullivan  had  it  twice  in  the  same  place,  but 
when  she  married  Pat  Murphy  she  never  had 
it  again  ?     The  letter  L. 


Why  are  ladies  the  biggest  thieves  in  exist- 
ence ?  Because  they  steel  their  petticoats,  bone 
their  stays,  crib  their  babies,  and  hook  their 
dresses. 

Why  is  a  man  who  makes  additions  to  a 
false  rumor  like  one  who  has  confidence  in  all 
that  is  told  to  him  ?  Because  he  re-lies  on  all 
he  hears. 

When  does  a  farmer  double  up  a  .sheep  with- 
out hurting  it  ?     When  he  folds  it. 

What  did  the  managing  editor  sa}-  when  the 
horticultural  editor  said  he  had  cultivated  hot- 
house lilac  bushes  that  attained  a  height  of 
over  fifty  feet?  I  wish  I  could  lilac  (lie  like) 
that. 

Wh}^  is  an  apothecary  like  a  wood-cock? 
Becau.se  he  has  a  long  bill. 

What  is  the  most  engaging  work  of  art  ?  A 
fashionable  young  lad^^ 

Who  is  the  oldest  lunatic  on  record  ?  Time 
out  of  mind. 

Wh}^  do  the  recriminations  of  a  married 
couple  resemble  the  sound  of  the  waves  on  the 
seashore  ?  Because  they  are  the  murmurs  of 
the  tide  (tied). 


79 

What  bird  is  rude  ]^     The  mocking  bird. 

Why  is  a  lawn  mower  Uke  the  keeper  of  a 
bucket  shop  ?     Because  it  shaves  the  green. 

When  may  a  loaf  of  bread  be  said  to  be  in- 
habited ?     When  it  has  a  little  Indian  in  it. 

Why  are  ships  like  fortunes  ?  Because  they 
are  built  on  stocks. 

How  does  a  soldier  know  when  it  is  time  to 
fight  ?     When  he  sees  a  battle-me(a)nt. 

At  what  age  should  a  man  iiiarr}-  ?  At  the 
parsonage. 

What  kind  of  essence  does  a  young  man 
like  when  he  pops  the  question  ?  Acquiescence. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  a  horse  ?  When  he 
draws  a  load. 

Why  is  it  nonsense  to  pretend  that  love  is 
blind  ?  Because  3'ou  never  knew  a  man  in  love 
that  did  not  see  ten,  times  more  in  his  sweet- 
heart than  others  did. 

Wh}^  are  fixed  stars  like  wicked  old  men? 
Because  they  scintillate  (sin  till-late). 

Why  is  an  egg  underdone  like  aii  egg  over- 
done ?     They  are  both  hardly  done. 


8o 

Why  is  a  man  happier  with  two  wives  than 
with  one?  He  may  be  happ}'  with  one,  but 
with  two  he  is  nearly  sure  to  be  transported. 

Why  is  Gibraltar  one  of  the  most  wonderful 
places  in  the  world  ?  Because  it's  always  on 
the  rock,  but  never  nunvs. 

Why  is  it  difficult  to  flirt  on  mail  steamers? 
Because  all  the  mails  (males)  are  tied  u[)  in 
bags. 

Why  is  a  comprehensive  action  an  affection- 
ate one  ?     It  embraces  everything. 

What  best  describes  and  most  impedes  a 
Christian  Pilgrim's  Progress?  A  Bunyan 
(bunion). 

When  is  a  lady's  hair  like  the  latest  news? 
When  it's  in  the  papers. 

Why  is  a  very  old  umbrella,  that  has  been 
lost,  as  good  as  new  when  found  ?  Because 
it's  re-covered. 

Why  is  a  coachman  like  the  clouds  ?  Be- 
cause he  holds  the  reins. 

Why  does  the  Salvation  Army  walk  down 
Broadway  on  their  heels  ?  To  save  their  soles 
(souls). 


8i 

Who  was  the  most  successful  surve>'or  on 
record  ?  Alexander  Selkirk,  for  he  was  mon- 
arch of  all  he  surveyed. 

Who  is  a  man  of  grit  ?     A  sugar  refiner. 

\\ln'  is  the  letter  W  like  scandal  ?  Because 
it  makes  ill  will. 

What  is  one  of  the  rules  of  war  ?  That  it  is 
death  to  stop  a  cannon  ball. 

Why  are  photographers  the  most  uncivil  of 
all  tradespeople?  Because  when  we  make 
application  for  a  copy  of  our  portrait,  the}' 
always  reply  with  a  negative. 

What  cord  is  that  which  is  full  of  knots, 
which  no  one  can  untie,  and  which  no  one 
can  tie?     A  cord  of  wood. 

Which  is  the  oddest  fellow,  the  one  who  asks 
a  question  or  the  one  who  answers  ?  The 
one  who  asks,  because  he  is  the  querist. 

When  does  the  wind  most  resemble  a  book- 
seller?    When  it  keeps  stationary  (stationery). 

What  benefit  can  be  derived  from  a  paper  of 
pins  ?     It  will  give  you  many  good  points.  " 

Why  are  authors  who  treat  of  physiognomy 
like  soldiers  ?      Because  they  write  about  face. 


82 

I  went  into  the  woods  and  caught  it,  I  sat 
down  to  look  for  it,  and  then  I  went  home  with 
it  because  I  could  not  find  it.     A  sliver. 

Why  is  a  clock  the  most  persevering  thing  in 
creation  ?  Because  it  is  never  more  inclined  to 
go  on  with  its  business  than  when  it  is  com- 
pletely wound  up. 

Why  is  a  blind  man  apt  to  be  an  idiot? 
The  old  adage  says,  out  of  sight  out  of  mind. 

How  did  the  whale  that  swallowed  Jonah 
obey  the  divine  law  ?  Jonah  was  a  stranger 
and  he  took  him  in. 

When  is  a  piece  of  wood  like  a  queen  ? 
When  it  is  made  into  a  ruler. 

Why  is  chicken  pie  like  a  gunsmith's  shop? 
Because  it  contains  fowl- in  pieces. 

Wh}^  is  asparagus  like  most  sermons?  Be- 
cause it  is  the  end  of  it  that  people  enjoy  most. 

What  is  the  fruit  of  finance?     Current  coin. 

How  did  Jonah  feel  when  swallowed  by  a 
whale  ?  He  was  down  in  the  mouth,  and  went 
to  blubber. 

Why  is  the  polka  like  bitter  beer?  There 
are  so  many  hops  in  it. 


83 

Why  is  your  nose  in  tlie  middle  of  your 
face  ?     Eecause  it  is  the  scenter. 

Why  is  a  steam  engine  at  a  fire  an  anomaly  ? 
Because  it  works  and  plays  at  the  same  time. 

Whose  best  works  are  most  trampled  on  ? 
The  shoemaker,  because  good  shoes  last  longer 
than  bad  ones. 

When  is  a  boy  in  a  pantry  like  a  poacher? 
When  he  walks  into  the  preserves. 

Why  are  clergymen  like  brakemen?  Be- 
cause they  do  a  great  deal  of  coupling. 


When  may  two  people  be  said  to   be  half 
itted?      Wh 
between  them. 


witted?      When  they  have  an  understanding 


Why  is  a  jailer  like  a  musician  ?  Because 
he  fingers  the  keys. 

Why  is  a  field  of  grass  like  a  person  older 
than  yourself?  Because  it's  past-your-age 
(pasturage). 

Why  is  it  absurd  to  call  a  dentist  room  the 
dental  parlor?  Because  it  is  the  drawing 
room. 

Why  should  a  man  never  tell  his  secrets  in  a 
cornfield?'  Because  so  many  ears  are  there, 
and  they  would  be  shocked. 


84 

What  part  of  a  fish  weighs  most?  The 
scales. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  a  vehicle  ?  When  he 
makes  a  cart-ridge  on  the  road. 

Why  are  printers  liable  to  bad  colds  ?  Be- 
cause they  always  use  damp  sheets. 

What  fruit  does  a  newly  married  couple 
resemble  ?     A  green  pear  (pair). 

Can  you  tell  the  best,  way  to  make  the 
hours  go  fast  ?     Use  the  spur  of  the  moment. 

Why  is  wit  like  a  Chinese  lady's  foot  ?  Be- 
cause brevity's  the  vSole  of  it. 

Why  are  parliamentary  reports  called  "  Blue 
Books  ?  "     Because  they  are  never  re(a)d. 

Why  is  it  absurd  to  ask  a  prett}^  girl  to  be 
candid  ?     Because  she  cannot  be  plain. 

Why  is  a  sheep  like  a  professional  gambler  ? 
Because  he  is  brought  up  on  the  turf,  gambols 
in  his  3'outh,  herds  witli  blacklegs,  and  is 
fleeced  at  last. 

Why  is  a  well-trained  horse  like  a  benevolent 
man  ?     Because  he  stops  at  the  sound  of  wo. 

What  city  is  drawn  more  frequently  than 
any  other  ?     Cork. 


85 

Why  is  a  bookbinder  like  charity  ?  Because 
he  often  covers  a  multitude  of  faults. 

Why  should  an  artist  never  be  short  of  cash  ? 
If  he  knows  his  business  he  can  always  draw 
money. 

What  do  we  often  catch  yet  never  see? 
Passing  remarks. 

Why  are  confectioners  mercenary  lovers? 
Because  they  always  sell  their  kisses. 

What  is  there  about  a  house  that  seldom 
falls,  but  never  hurts  the  occupant  when  it 
does?     The  rent. 

What  three  acts  comprise  the  chief  business 
of  a  woman's  Hfe?  Attract,  contract,  and 
detract. 

Why  is  a  prudent  man  like  a  pin  ?  Because 
his  head  prevents  him  from  going  too  far. 

Why  are  some  of  our  officers  like  a  dancing 
master's  toes?  Because  they  must  be  turned 
out. 

What  are  the  most  patient  objects  in  the 
shape  of  humanity  ?     Statues. 

Why  is  necessity  like  an  angry  solicitor? 
It  knows  uo  law. 


86 

If  all  the  letters  in  the  alphabet  were  on  a 
mountain,  what  letter  would  leave  first  ?  D 
would  begin  the  descent. 

When  you  listen  to  a  drum  why  are  you  a 
good  j  adge  ?     Because  }0U  hear  both  sides. 

Why  is  the  vowel  O  the  only  one  sounded  ? 
Because  all  the  others  are  in  audible. 

Wliy  is  a  coward  like  a  leaky  barrel  ?  Be- 
cause they  both  run. 

If  a  short  man  married  a  widow  what  will 
his  friends  call  him  ?     A  widow's  mite. 

Who  dares  sit  before  the  Queen  with  his  hat 
on  ?     Her  coachman. 

Why  was  "Uncle  Tom's  Cabin  "  not  written 
by  a  woman's  hand  ?  Because  it  was  written 
by  Mrs.  Beecher  Stowe  (Beecher's  toe). 

What  animal  is  that  from  which,  if  you  take 
off  the  tip  of  its  tailvou  mav  make  a  first-rate 
Jew:*     Rabbit  (Rabbi). 

Why  is  a  lame  dog  like  a  school  boy  adding 
six  and  seven  together  ?  Because  the  dog  puts 
down  three  and  carries  one. 

When  is  a  house  like  a  bird  ?  When  it  has 
wings. 


87 

What  moral  lesson  does  the  weather  cock 
teach  ?     It  is  vane  to  a-spire. 

When  is  a  lawyer  like  a  beast  of  burden  ? 
When  drawing  a  conveyance. 

When  is  a  soldier  like  a  watch  ?  W^hen  he 
is  on  guard. 

What  are  the  embers  of  the  expiring  year  ? 
Nov-ember  and  Dec-ember. 

How  is  a  poultry  dealer  compelled  to  earn 
his  living  ?     By  foul  means. 

When  was  beef  tea  first  introduced  into 
England?  When  Henry  Vlll  dissolved  the 
Pope's  bull. 

Why  is  a  butcher's  cart  like  his  top  boots? 
Because  he  carries  his  calves  there. 

Why  does  a  maltese  cat  rest  better  in  sum- 
mer than  in  winter  ?  Because  summer  brings 
a  caterpillar  (cat-a-pillow). 

Is  there  anything  a  man  with  a  kodak  can- 
not take  ?     Yes.  a  hint. 

Why  do  American  soldiers  never  run  away  ? 
They  belong  to  a  standing  army. 

Why  does  tying  a  slow  horse  to  a  post  im- 
prove his  pace  ?     It  makes  him  fast. 


88 


What  IS  it  that  a  man,  no  matter  how  smart 
he  is,  overlooks?     His  own  nose. 

What  goes  most  against  a  farmer's  grain? 
His  reaper. 

Why  may  we  suppose  that  Noah  had  beer 
in  the  ark?  Because  the  kangaroo  went  in 
with  hops,  and  the  bear  was  always  bruin. 

Why  should  potatoes  grow  l)etter  than  other 
vegetables?  Because  they  have  e3"es  to  see 
what  they  are  doing. 

A  duck  before  two  ducks,  a  duck  behind  two 
ducks,  and  a  duck  between  two  duoks  ;  how 
many  ducks  were  there  in  all  ?     Three. 

What  word  of  ten  letters  can  be  spelled  with 
five  ?     X-p-d-n-c  (expediency). 

Why  should  the  highest  apple  on  a  tree  be 
the  best  one  ?     Because  it  is  a  tip-top  apple. 

How  many  fathers  has  a  man  ?  Nine  :  his 
father,  his  godfather,  his  father-in  law,  his  two 
grandfathers,  and  his  fore-  (four)  fathers. 

Why  would  a  spider  appear  to  have  wings  ? 
Because  it  often  takes  a  flv. 


Why   is   a   railroad    exceedingly   patriotic? 
is 
ties. 


It  is  bound  to  the  country  with  the  strongest 


89 

What  is  the  most  wonderful  acrobatic  feat? 

For  a  man  to  revolve  in  his  own  mind. 

Why  is  chloroform  like  Mendelssohn  ?  Be- 
cause it  is  the  greatest  of  modern  composers. 

Do  women  like  to  see  themselves  in  print? 
No  ;  they  prefer  silk  or  satin. 

Why  are  bookkeepers  like  chickens?  Be- 
cause they  have  to  scratch  for  a  living. 

Who  is  the  man  who  invariably  finds  things 
dull  ?     The  scissors  grinder. 

Why  is  the  first  chicken  of  a  brood  like  the 
mainmast  of  a  ship?  Because  it's  a  little 
ahead  of  the  main  hatch. 

Why  is  a  book  your  best  friend  a-nd  com- 
panion? Because  wdi en  it  bores  3'ou,  }'ou  can 
shut  it  up  without  giving  offense. 

Why  is  a  man  in  front  of  a  crowd  well  sup- 
ported ?     Because  he  has  the  press  at  his  back. 

What  sort  of  men  are  most  above  board  in 
their  movements?     Chessmen. 

Wh}'  is  playing  chess  a  better  occupation 
than  playing  cards  ?  Because  you  play  chess 
with  two  bishops  and  cards  with  four  knaves. 


90 

When  may  ladies  who  are  enjoying  them- 
selves be  said  to  look  wretched  ?  When  at  the 
opera,  as  then  they  are  in  tiers. 

Why  should  a  minister  be  believed  ?  Because 
he  is  nearly  always  accurate  (a  curate). 

Why  is  a  mad  bull  like  a  man  of  convivial 
disposition  ?  Because  he  offers  a  horn  to 
ever5''body  he  meets. 

What  should  be  looked  into  ?     A  mirror. 

Why  is  the  map  of  Turkey  in  Europe  like  a 
frying  pan  ?  Because  it  has  Greece  on  the 
bottom. 

I  partake  alike  in  your  joys,  and  your  sor- 
rows, and  your  home  would  not  be  home 
without  me.     Letter  O. 

How  many  young  ladies  does  it  take  to  reach 
from  New  York  to  Philadelphia?  About  one 
hundred,  because  a  miss  is  as  good  as  a  mile. 

Why  should  colts  avoid  exposure  ?  Because 
they  might  take  cold  and  become  a  little  horse 
(hoarse). 

In  what  respect  is  matrimony  a  game  of 
cards  ?  Why,  a  woman  has  a  heart,  a  man 
takes  it  with  a  diamond,  and  after  that  her 
hand  is  his. 


91 

When  is  a  new  dress  older  than  an  old  one  ? 
When  it's  more    moire)  antique. 

What  is  the  name  of  the  plant  most  fatal  to 
mice  ?     Cat-nip. 

Why  is  a  poor  singer  like  a  counterfeiter  ? 
Because  he  is  an  utterer  of  bad  notes. 

I  am  the  first,  and  one  of  seven, 
I  live  betwixt  the  seas  and  heaven; 
Look  not  below,  for  I  am  not  there, 
I\Iy  home  is  in  the  ancient  air. 
Come  to  my  second,  behold  how  fair 
I  am,  how  bright  and  how  debonair; 
A  pleasant  vision  and  a  beauty, 
A  thing  of  life  and  joy  and  duty; 
M}^  youth  is  changed — I  live  alone, 
My  views  are  crossed— my  hopes  are  gone; 
My  whole  is  sorrow,  grief  and  woe, 
M}"  singing  now  is  all  heigh-ho. 

A  lass  'alas). 

What  affection  do  landlords  most  appreci- 
ate i*     Parental  (pay-rental). 

When  day  breaks,  what  becomes  of  the 
pieces  ?     Thej-  go  into  mourning  (morning\ 

Why  are  washerwomen  the  silliest  of  women  ? 
Because  they  put  out  their  tubs  to  catch  soft 
water  when  it  rains  hard. 


92 

Whj^  is  a  book  like  a  king  ?  Because  it  has 
many  pages. 

When  are  two  apples  alike  ?      When  pared. 

When  a  colored  waiter  drops  a  platter  of 
roast  turkey,  wh}^  does  it  create  a  great  con- 
tinental disaster?  Because  it  is  the  fall  of 
Turkey,  the  overthrow  of  Greece,  the  ruin  of 
Africa,  and  the  breaking  up  of  China. 

What  time  should  an  iini  keeper  visit  a 
foundry  ?     When  he  wants  a  bar-maid. 

Why  was  Blackstone  like  an  Irish  vege- 
table ?  Because  he  was  a  common  'tatur  (com- 
mentator). 

Why  is  an  author  the  most  wonderful  man 
in  the  world  ?  Because  he  is  the  owner  of 
many  tales  and  they  all  come  out  of  his  head. 

What  do  3'ou  call  a  boy  who  eats  all  the 
melons  he  can  get,  whether  they  are  green  or 
old  ?  He  is  what  we  call  a  pains-taking 
youngster. 

What  is  an  eaves-dropper  ?     The  icicle. 

What  trade  is  certainly  one  in  which  a  man 
will  never  make  a  cent  except  by  sticking  at 
it  ?     Bill-posting. 


93 

Why  is  a  neglected  damsel  like  a  fire  that 
has  gone  out  ?  Because  she  has  not  a  spark 
left. 

In  what  place  are  two  heads  better  than  one  ? 
In  a  barrel. 

Why  are  bells  used  to  call  people  to  church  ? 
Because  they  have  an  inspire-ring  influence. 

What  is  that  which  goes  up  the  hill  and 
down  the  hill  and  yet  stands  still  ?     The  road. 

What  becomes  of  the  chocolate  cake  when 
your  only  son  eats  it?  It  vanishes  into  the 
empty  heir  (air). 

When  is  coffee  like  the  soil  ?  When  it  is 
ground. 

When  is  a  bill  like  a  gun?  When  it  is  pre- 
sented and  discharged. 

Why  is  a  windy  orator  like  a  whale  ?  Be- 
cause he  often  rises  to  spout. 

Why  is  a  railroad  track  a  particularly  senti- 
mental object?  Because  it  is  bound  by  close 
ties. 

What  is  society  composed  of?  A  mixture  of 
mister  ies  and  miss-eries. 


94 

What  is  that  which  increases  the  more  it  is 
shared  by  others  ?     Happiness. 

What  is  taken  from  you  before  you  get  it  ? 
Your  portrait. 

When  is  a  man,  Hke  friendship,  most  easily 
tried  ?     When  he  stands  a  loan. 

What  melancholy  fact  is  there  about  a  cal- 
endar? There  is  no  time  when  its  days  are 
not  numbered. 

What  is  the  best  food  for  dyspeptic  people  ? 
Oysters ;  because  they  die-j  ust  (digest)  before 
they  are  eaten. 

Who  are  the  men  who  have  made  their 
mark  ?    Those  who  can't  write. 

Why  is  a  distanced  horse  like  a  man  in  a 
.shady  place  ?     Because  he  is  out  of  the  heat. 

Wh}'  are  park  railings  like  a  lady's  corset? 
Because  thej^  confine  a  deer  (dear). 

Do  you  know  what  is  the  oldest  piece  of  fur- 
niture in  the  world  ?     The  multiplication  table. 

What  is  the  debt  for  which  you  cannot  be 
sued?     The  debt  of  nature. 

When  are  soldiers  best  able  to  draw  blisters  ? 
When  they  are  mustered  in  the  service. 


95 

Why  is  the  woodsman's  ax  an  inconsistent 
weapon?  Because  it  first  cuts  a  tree  down 
r.'id  then  cuts  it  up. 

Why  is  an  inn-keeper  like  a  multitude  of 
people  ?     Because  he  is  a  host  himself. 

Why  is  the  blush  of  modesty  like  a  little 
girl  ?     Because  it  becomes  a  woman. 

Why  is  a  bad  epigram  like  a  useless  pencil  ? 
Because  it  has  no  point. 

If  you  see  a  counterfeit  coin  on  the  street 
why  should  you  always  pick  it  up  ?  Because 
you  may  be  arrested  for  passing  it. 

Why  is  Queen  Victoria  like  a  hat?  Because 
they  both  have  crowns. 

Why  is  love  always  represented  as  a  child  ? 
Because  it  never  reaches  the  age  of  disCx-etion. 

What  key  opens  the  penitentiary  for  a  dissi- 
pated man?     Whis-key. 

Why  is  a  pig  with  a  curly  continuation  like 
the  ghost  of  Hamlet's  father?  Because  he 
could  a  tail  unfold. 

Wh}-  is  a  plowed  field  like  feathered  game? 
Because  it's  part-ridges. 


9^ 

When  is  a  dog  most  like  a  human  being? 
When  he  is  between  a  man  and  a  boy. 

How  does  a  boy  look  if  you  hurt  him?  It 
makes  him  yell  Oh  !  (yellow). 

Why  didn't  the  last  dove  return  to  the  ark? 
Because  she  had  sufficient  ground  for  remain- 
ing. 

Why  is  there  some  reason  to  doubt  the  ex- 
istence of  the  Giant's  Causeway?  There  are 
so  many  shamrocks  Csham  rocks)  in  Ireland 
that  this  may  be  one  of  the  reasons. 

Why  are  good  husbands  like  dough  ?  Be- 
cause women  need  them. 

Wh}"  is  a  specimen  of  extra  fine  handwriting 
like  a  dead  pig?  Because  it  is  done  with  the 
pen. 

When  does  a  man  feel  girlish  .''  When  he 
makes  his  maiden  speech. 

What  is  the  difference  betw^een  an  honest 
and  a  dishonest  laundress?  One  irons  your 
linen  ;  the  other  steals  it. 

What  does  a  husband  do  who  misses  a  train 
by  which  he  promised  his  wife  to  return? 
Catches  it  when  he  gets  home. 


07 

What  coat  is  finished  without  buttons  and 
put  on  wet  ?     A  coat  of  paint. 

What  is  the  greatest  surgical  operation  on 
record  ?     Lansing,  Michigan. 

How  can  you  make  a  tall  man  short?  Bor- 
row money  of  him. 

Why  are  fixed  stars  like  pens,  ink  and 
paper?  Because  they  are  stationary  (station- 
ery). 

Why  should  a  person  not  like  to  gaze  on  the 
Niagara  forever?  Because  he  would  always 
have  a  cataract  in  the  eye. 

What  bridge  is  warranted  to  support  any 
strain  ?     The  bridge  of  a  fiddle. 

What  is  that,  which  though  black  itself,  en- 
lightens the  world  ?     Ink. 

Why  is  it  dangerous  to  go  in  the  woods  in 
spring  ?  Because  the  buUrush  is  out,  the  cow- 
slips around,  the  grasses  have  blades,  the 
flowers  have  pistils,  and  the  little  twigs  are 
shooting. 

Why  are  laws  like  the  ocean  ^  The  most 
trouble  is  caused  by  the  breakers. 

Why  is  the  Mississippi  the  most  eloquent  of 
rivers  ?     Because  it  has  a  dozen  mouths. 


98 

Why  is  the  fly  the  best  one  among  the 
grocers'  customers?  Because,  when  he  comes 
for  sugar,  he  settles  on  the  spot. 

Why  does  an  aeronaut  dislike  to  speak 
about  his  trips?  It  is  generally  a  soar  point 
with  him. 

Why  is  a  Chinaman  never  perplexed  ?  Be- 
cause no  matter  where  he  finds  himself  he 
always  has  his  cue. 

What  is  the  most  popular  paper  at  the  sum- 
mer resorts  ?     Fly-paper. 

In  law  courts  what  relation  are  the  judges, 
sergeants  and  counsellors  to  each  other?  They 
are  brothers — brothers-in-law. 

Why  is  St.  Paul  like  a  white  horse?  Be- 
cause they  both  like  Timothy. 

Why  do  men  go  out  of  the  theatre?  Be- 
cause some  plays  are  so  solemn  that  the  men 
have  to  go  out  to  smile. 

Why  is  a  nail  fast  in  the  wall  like  an  old 
man  ?     Because  it  is  infirm. 

What  is  the  difference  between  love  and 
war?  One  breaks  heads  and  the  other  breaks 
hearts. 


^9 

.  What  is  the  difference  between  man  and 
butter?  The  oUler  a  man  gets  the  weaker  he 
gets,  but  the  older  the  butter  is  the  stronger  it 
is. 

When  did  Caesar  first  visit  the  Irish  ?  When 
he  crossed  the  Rhine  and  went  back  to  bridge 
it  (Bridget). 

What  light  could  not  possibly  be  seen  in  a 
dark  room  ?     An  Israe-lite. 

How  is  it  that  the  Queen  is  a  poor  gentle- 
woman ?     She  possesses  only  one  crown. 

Why  is  the  letter  B  like  a  hot  fire  ?  Because 
it  makes  oil  boil. 

Why  is  an  invalid  cured  by  sea-bathing  like 
a  confined  criminal  ?  Because  he  is  sea-cured 
(secured). 

When  does  a  public  speaker  steal  lumber? 
When  he  takes  the  floor. 

Why  is  the  letter  A  like  a  honeysuckle? 
Because  a  B  follows  it. 

What  history  is  that  which  repeats  itself? 
The  history  of  nations.  Your  private  history 
is  repeated  by  your  neighbors. 

When  are  two  tramps  like  common  time  in 
music?     When  they  are  two  beats  to  a  bar. 


lOO 

It  a  two-wheeled  wagon  is  a  bicycle,  and  a 
three- wheeled  wagon  is  a  tricycle,  what  would 
you  call  a  fiv^e  wheeled  one  ?  A  V-hicle  of 
course. 

Why  is  a  ferry  boat  like  a  good  rule  ?  Be- 
cause it  works  both  ways. 

What  part  of  London  is  like  a  lame  man  ? 
Cripplegate  (cripple -gait). 

What  robe  is  that  which  you  cannot  weave, 
you  cannot  buy,  no  one  can  sell,  needs  no 
washing,  and  lasts  forever?  Robe  of  Right- 
eousness. 

How  do  we  know  the  nightingales  are 
sports  ?  Because  they  have  a  high  time  after 
dark. 

When  is  water  most  likely  to  escape  ?  When 
it  is  only  half-tide. 

What  is  always  behind  time?  The  back  of 
a  clock. 

What  medicine  is  a  cross  dog  fond  of?  Bark 
and  wine  (whine). 

What  is  the  difference  between  perseverance 
and  obstinancy  ?  One  is  a  strong  will  and  the 
other  is  a  strong  won't. 


lOI 

Unable  to  think,  unable  to  speak,  yet  tells 
the  truth  to  all  the  world  ?  A  true  balance,  or 
pair  of  scales. 

What  country  does  a  crying  baby  sigh  for  ? 
More-rock-oh,  or  Lapland. 

Why  is  a  coat  worn  by  a  weather-beaten 
tramp  like  a  man  with  insomnia  ?  Because  it 
has  not  had  a  nap  in  ten  years. 

Why  are  spiders  good  correspondents  ?  Be- 
cause they  drop  a  line  by  every  post  and  at 
every  house. 

What  does  a  young  lady  become  when  she 
ceases  to  be  pensive  ?     Ex-pensive. 

What  is  the  sure  sign  of  an  early  spring  ?  A 
cat  watching  a  hole  in  the  wall  with  her  back 

up. 

A  lady  asked  a  gentleman  how  old  he  was? 
He  answered,  My  age  is  w^hat  you  do  in  every- 
thing— excel  (XL) 

Pray  find  a  word  that  will  produce  a  chair 
and  table?     Char-i-table. 

Why  is  it  that  whenever  you  are  looking  for 
anything  you  always  find  it  in  the  last  place 
you  look?  Because  you  always  stop  looking 
when  you  find  it. 


I02 

Why  is  the  world  like  a  cat's  tail  ?  Because 
it  is  fur  to  the  end  of  it. 

What  is  the  most  difficult  lock  to  pick  ?  One 
from  a  bald  head. 

If  Rider  Haggard  had  been  Lew  Wallace, 
who  would  ' '  She  ' '  have  been  ?     ' '  Ben-  Hur. ' ' 

What  would  a  pig  do  who  wished  to  build 
himself  a  habitation  ?  Tie  a  knot  in  his  tail 
and  call  it  a  pig's  tie. 

Why  is  snow  like  a  maple  tree?  Because  it 
leaves  in  the  early  spring. 

Who  is  the  first  nobleman  mentioned  in  the 
Bible  ?     Baron  (barren)  figtree. 

If  a  man  bumped  his  head  against  the  top  of 
the  room,  what  article  of  stationery  would  he 
get?     Ceiling  whacks,     (sealing  wax.) 

What  is  a  good  thing  to  part  with?  A 
comb. 

If  3-our  uncle's  sister  is  not  your  aunt  what 
relation  is  she  to  you  ?     Your  mother. 

"  Why  is  a  pig  the  most  provident  of  all 
animals  ?  Because  he  always  carries  a  spare- 
nb  about  him. 


1^3 

W  ly  is  the  church  of  St.  Paul,  London,  like 
0  bird  '^  nest?  Because  it  was  built  by  a  wren 
(^Jir  C'jnstopher  Wren). 

Fen  ivhat  profession  are  the  members  of  a 
coUefj'-'  boat  crew  best  fitted  ?  For  dentistry, 
because  they  have  a  good  pull. 

Why  has  a  chambermaid  more  lives  than  a 
cat?  Because  each  morning  she  returns  to 
dust. 

Why  ought  the  man  who  handles  the  reins 
on  a  horse  car  be  successful  ?  Because  he  does 
a  driving  business. 

What  paradox  may  often  be  found  in  a  flower 
garden?     A  white  pink. 

Why  do  carpenters  have  great  faith  in  sooth- 
sayers ?  They  cannot  work  without  an  auger 
(augur). 

What  does  a  yawning  policeman  resemble  ? 
An  open-faced  watch. 

Wh}-  is  a  crow  like  a  lawyer  ?  He  likes  to 
have  his  caws  (cause)  heard. 

W"hat  is  the  political  character  of  a  water- 
wheel?     Revolutionary. 

Why  are  umbrellas  like  good  churchmen  ? 
They  keep  Lent  so  well. 


104 

Why  is  a  cat  going  up  three  pair  of  stairs 
hke  a  high  hill  ?     Because  she's  a-raountin'. 

What  three  letters  give  the  name  of  a  famous 
Roman  general?     C-P  O  (Scipio). 

Why  should  England  be  a  very  dry  country? 
Because  there  has  been  but  one  reign  there  in 
over  fifty  years. 

Why  is  a  nice,  but  uncultured  girl  like  brown 
sugar?     Because  she  is  sweet  but  unrefined. 

Why  are  some  women  very  much  like  tea- 
kettles ?  Because  they  sing  away  pleasantly 
and  then  all  at  once  boil  over. 

What  is  the  best  way  to  keep  fish  from 
smelling?     Cut  off  their  noses. 

Why  should  you  never  confide  a  secret  to 
your  relatives?     Because  blood  will  tell. 

Which  is  the  easier  profession,  a  doctor's  or 
a  clergyman's?  A  clergyman's  :  he  preaches, 
the  doctor  practices. 

How  can  it  be  proven  that  a  horse  has  six 
legs?  Because  he  has  fore  legs  in  front  and 
two  behind. 

How  does  light  get  through  a  prism?  It 
hews  (hues)  its  way  through. 


I05 

When  is  a  pie  like  a  poet  ?  When  it  is 
Browning. 

What  can  pass  before  the  sun  without  making 
a  shadow  ?     The  wind. 

Why  should  watermelon  be  a  good  name  for 
a  newspaper  ?  Because  its  insides  would  really 
be  read. 

Why  should  the  number  288  never  be  men- 
tioned in  company  ?     Because  it  is  two  gross. 

When  is  a  tourist  in  Ireland  like  a  donkey  ? 
When  he  is  going  to  Bray. 

Why  are  people  of  short  memories  necessarily 
covetous?  Because  they're  always  for-getting 
something. 

What  is  the  beginning  of  every  end,  and  the 
end  of  every  place?     The  letter  E- 

Why  is  the  tolling  of  a  bell  like  the  prayers 
of  a  hypocrite  ?  Because  it  is  a  solemn  sound 
by  a  thoughtless  tongue. 

What  letters  of  the  alphabet  are  most  like  a 
Roman  emperor?     The  C"s  are. 

Why  is  a  sneeze  like  Niagara?  Because  it's 
a  catarrh- act. 

When  does  water  resemble  a  gymnast.' 
When  it  makes  a  spring. 


lo6 

What  bird  is  in  season  all  the  year?  The 
weather-cock. 

What  would  you  expect  to  find  on  a  literary 
man's  breakfast  table?  Bacon's  Remains, 
Final  memories  of  Lamb,  if  in  season,  and 
Shelley  fragments. 

When  is  a  sick  man  a  contradiction  ?  When 
he  is  an  impatient  patient. 

What  is  the  dog-star  announced  to  be  ?  A 
sky-terrier. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  tunnel  and 
a  speaking  trumpet  ?  One  is  hollowed  in,  the 
other  is  halloaed  out. 

When  may  a  man  be  said  to  be  literally  im- 
mersed in  business?  When  he's  giving  a 
swimming  lesson. 

What  trade  should  one  follow  in  order  to  cut 
a  figure  in  the  world  ?     A  sculptor. 

What  wind  do  we  naturally  look  for  after 
Lent?     An  Easter-ly  one. 

How  do  little  fish  have  a  proper  idea  of  busi- 
ness ?  Not  being  able  to  do  better,  they  start 
on  a  small  scale. 

WTien  do  cards  most  resemble  wolves? 
When  they  belong  to  a  pack. 


?07 

■  What  vine  does  beef  grow  on  ?     The  bo- vine. 

What  is  the  difference  betwecii  the  Mormons' 
religion  and  their  wives  ?  Their  religion  ii 
singular,  but  their  wives  are  plural. 

When  is  a  man  duplicated?  When  he's 
beside  himself. 

If  a  well  known  animal  you  behead, 
Another  one  you  will  have  instead. 

Fox  (f-ox). 

Why  is  a  drunken  Irishman  like  a  sentinel 
going  his  rounds  ?     He  is  pat-rolling. 

Why  is  a  Zulu  belle  like  a  prophet  of  old  ? 
She  has  not  muchon'er  in  her  own  country. 

Why  is  a  blacksmith  like  a  safe  steed  ?  Be- 
cause one  is  a  horse-shoer,  and  the  other  is  a 
sure  horse. 

When  giving  invitations  to  a  dancing  party 
what  single  word  will  tell  the  hour  to  begin 
dancing?     At  ten-dance  (attendance). 

What  is  the  greatest  physical  feat  ever  per- 
formed ?  Wheeling,  West  Virginia,  on  the 
Ohio. 

What  does  an  envelope  say  when  it  is  licked  ? 
Just  shuts  up  and  says  nothing  about  it. 


p8 

Why  is  a  pretty  girl  like  an  excellent  mirror  ? 
She's  a  good  looking  lass. 

When  is  an  army  totally  destroyed  ?  When 
the  soldiers  are  all  in  quarters. 

Why  is  too  much  whisky  and  champagne 
like  the  flowers  that  bloom  in  the  spring  ? 
Because  they  make  the  nose  gay  (nosegay). 

Why  is  a  postman  in  danger  of  losing  his 
way  ?  Because  he  is  guided  by  the  directions 
of  strangers. 

What  killed  Joan  of  Arc?  Too  much  hot 
stake. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  watchmaker 
and  a  jailer?  One  sells  watches  and  the  other 
watches  cells. 

Why  are  lawyers  the  most  intemperate 
people?  Because  they  are  continually  prac- 
ticing at  the  bar. 

What  word  of  four  syllables  represents  Sin 
riding  on  a  little  animal  ?  Sin-on-a-mouse 
(Synonymous) 

What  motive  had  the  in\"entor  of  railwa}s  in 
view  !     A  loco-motive. 

With  what  do  the  mermaids  tie  up  their 
hair  ?     With  a  marine  band. 


What  tree  bears  the  most  fruit  to  market  ? 
The  axle  tree. 

What  is  the  sharpest  instrument  mentioned 
in  the  Bible  ?     The  Acts  '  axe)  of  the  Apostles. 

Why  is  a  banker's  clerk  necessarily  well 
informed?  Because  he  is  continually  taking 
notes. 

Use  me  well  and  I  am  everybody  ;  scratch  my 
back  and  I  am  nobody.     A  looking-glass. 

What  great  Scotchman  would  you  name  if  a 
footman  knocked  at  the  door?     John  Knox. 

Why  is  a  billiard  maker  like  a  stage 
prompter  ?    Because  he  gives  the  players  a  cue. 

Why  is  the  sculptor  Powers  a  great  swindler  ? 
Because  he  chiseled  the  Greek  slave  out  of  her 
clothes. 

Why  is  the  bank  of  England  like  a  thrush  ? 
It  often  changes  its  notes. 

What  is  it,  which  the  man  that  made  it  does 
not  need,  the  man  who  buys  it  does  not  use  for 
himself,  and  the  person  that  uses  it  does  not 
know  it  ?     A  coihn. 

Why  are  convicts  like  a  pack  of  cards? 
Because  there  is  a  knave  in  everv  suit. 


no 

When  is  a  fact  like  a  universal  patent? 
When  it  is  patent  to  "  all." 

What  kind  of  a  swell  luncheon  would  hardly 
be  considered  a  grand  affair  ?  A  luncheon  of 
dried  apples  and  warm  water,  which  is  really  a 
sw^ell  affair. 

Why  is  a  3^oung  lady  like  a  promissory  note  ? 
Because  she  ought  to  be  settled  when  she  arrives 
at  maturity. 

What  is  that  w^hich  always  goes  with  its  head 
downward  ?     A  nail  in  your  shoe. 

Why  is  a  man  just  put  in  prison  like  a  boat 
full  of  water?  Because  he  wants  bailing 
out. 

What  sort  of  a  face  does  an  auctioneer  like 
best  ?     One  that  is  for  bidding. 

Why  should  a  poor  salesman  be  put  in  the 
hands  of  a  potter?  Because  he  is  ver}^  poor 
clay  and  should  be  fired. 

Wh}^  is  an  account  book  like  a  statuary  shop  ? 
It  is  full  of  figures. 

When  a  young  man  calls  upon  his  sweet- 
heart what  should  he  carry  with  him  ?  Affec- 
tion in  his  heart,  perfection  in  his  manners,  and 
confections  in  his  pockets. 


T  TT 


What  is  that  which  Adam  never  saw,  never 
possessed,  yet  left  two  to  each  of  his  children  ? 
Parents. 

When  may  a  base-ball  nine  say  its  "cake  is 
all  dough"  ?  When  it  does  not  have  a  good 
batter. 

Why  is  it  better  to  lose  an  arm  than  a  leg? 
Because  when  you  lose  a  leg  3'ou  lose  some- 
thing to  boot. 

What  key  in  music  will  make  a  good  officer? 
A  sharp  major. 

Wh}^  were  the  Jews  of  old  like  bad  debts  ? 
Because  they  killed  the  prophets  (profits;. 

What  is  political  economy  ?  Splitting  your 
vote. 

What  makes  ever>^body  sick  but  those  that 
swallow  it  ?     Flatter5\ 

What  jury  of  twelve  tries  us  for  a  3-ear  ?  The 
twelve  months  ;  they  all  try  us. 

What  is  that  which  never  flies  except  when 
its  wings  are  broken  ?     An  army. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  very  fasci- 
nating young  lady  and  her  watch  ?  The  watch 
makes  one  remember  the  hours,  and  the  young 
lady  makes  one  forget  them. 


112 

Wh}"  is  an  egg  like  a  colt  ?  Because  it  is 
not  fit  for  use  until  it  is  broken. 

Why  is  a  threadbare  garment  like  a  man 
who  was  up  late  at  the  ball  ?  Because  both 
look  worn  out  when  the}^  lose  their  nap. 

What  bridge  creates  the  most  anxiet}^  ?  A 
suspension  bridge. 

When  does  a  cook  break  the  game  law  ? 
When  she  poaches  eggs. 

Wh}^  is  a  cigar  loving  man  like  a  tallow  can- 
dle ?     Because  he  smokes  when  he  is  going  out. 

What  way  of  showing  wrath  has  a  tea  ket- 
tle ?     It  sings  sweetest  when  it  is  hottest. 

Why  do  you  always  make  a  mistake  when 
you  put  on  your  slipper  ?  Because  you  put 
your  foot  in  it. 

Wh}'  is  a  lucky  gambler  an  agreeable  fellow? 
Because  he  has  such  winning  ways. 

Why  is  the  leading  horse  in  a  wagon  team 
like  the  acceptor  of  a  bill?  Because  he's  the 
end  horse,  sir  (endorser). 

What  money  brings  the  most  substantial 
interest  ?     Matri-monv. 


113 

What  is  a  remarkable  fact  when  the  Chinese 
actor  loses  his  head  ?  He  is  pretty  sure  to  lose 
his  cue  at  the  same  time. 

Why,  when  you  paint  a  man's  portrait,  may 
3^ou  be  described  as  stepping  into  his  shoes? 
Because  you  make  his  feet-yours  (features;. 

Why  is  the  inside  of  everything  mysterious  ? 
Because  we  cannot  make  it  out. 

Why  is  the  Pritice  of  Wales  musing  on  his 
mother's  government  like  a  rainbow  ?  Because 
it's  the  son's  refection  on  a  steady  reign. 


Biblical  Conundrums 


Biblical  Conundrums 

Who  was  the  first  man  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible  ?     Chap.  I  (chap  first). 

Who  was  the  first  woman  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible?     Genesis  (Jennis  Sis). 

At  what  time  of  day  was  Adam  created  ?  A 
little  before  Eve. 

Spell  "Adam's  Express  Company"  with 
three  letters.     E-v-e, 

What  one  word  in  the  Bible  represents  the 
father  calling  his  son  and  the  son's  answering  ? 
Ben  Hadad  (Ben,  ha-dad). 

Who  was  a  very  short  man  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible?     Nehemiah  (knee-high  Miah). 

Who  was  the  strongest  man  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible  ?  Jonah,  because  the  whale  couldn't  keep 
him  down. 

Who  was  the  greatest  orator  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible  ?  Samson,  because  he  brought  the  house 
down  filled  with  his  enemies. 

Who  was  the  shortest  man  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible?     Beldad  the  Shuhite  (shoe  height). 
»i7 


Tl8 

Where  was  paper  currency  spoken  of  first  in 
the  Bible  ?  Where  the  dove  left  the  ark  and 
brought  a  green  back. 

Why  was  Noah  obliged  to  stoop  on  entering 
the  ark  ?  Because,  although  the  ark  was  high, 
Noah  was  a  higher  ark  (hierarchy . 

Who  took  the  first  newspaper  ?  Cain  took 
A  Bell's  (Abel's)  Life,  and  Joshua  counter- 
manded the  Sun. 

W^hat  proof  have  we  that  Moses  was  the  most 
wicked  man  who  ever  lived  ?  Because  he  broke 
the  Ten  Commandments  all  at  once. 

How  long  did  Cain  liate  his  brother?  As 
long  as  he  was  Abel  ^able). 

Where  was  sestheticism  first  spoken  of  in  the 
Bible  ?  Where  the  Lord  made  Balaam's  ass  to 
utter. 

When  were  walking-sticks  first  mentioned  in 
the  Bible  ?  When  Eve  presented  Adam  with  a 
little  Cain  (cane). 

What  fur  did  Adam  and  Eve  wear?  Bear 
(^bare)  skin. 

Who  was  the  fastest  runner  in  the  world  ? 
Adam,  because  he  was  first  in  the  race. 

When  did  Moses  sleep  five  in  a  bed  ?  When 
he  slept  with  his  fore  fathers. 


119 

The  following  is  a  good  sell  if  properly  led 
up  to  :  Who  was  the  first  man  ?  Adam  ? 
Who  was  the  first  woman  ?  Eve.  Who  killed 
Cain  ?     The  answer  will  very  likely  be  Abel. 

What  did  Job's  wardrobe  consist  of?  Three 
wretched  comforters. 

What  three  words  did  Adam  use  when  he 
introduced  himself  to  Eve  which  read  backward 
and  forward  the  same  ?     Madam,  I'm  Adam. 

Why  was  the  first  day  of  Adam's  life  the 
longest  ?     Because  it  had  no  Eve. 

How  were  xldam  and  Eve  prevented  from 
gambling?  Their  pair  o'  dice  was  taken  away 
from  them. 

What  stone  should  have  been  placed  at  the 
gate  of  Eden  after  the  expulsion  ?  Adam  aint 
in  (adamantine). 

What  did  Adam  and  Eve  do  when  they  were 
expelled  from  Eden  ?     They  raised  Cain. 

Why  did  Adam  bite  the  apple  Eve  gave  him  ? 
Because  he  had  no  knife. 

Why  was  Eve  made?  For  xVdam's  express 
company. 

Who  was  the  straightest  man  mentioned  m 
the  Bible  ?  Moses,  because  Pharaoh  made  a 
ruler  of  him. 


I20 

What  evidence  have  we  that  Adam  used 
sugar  ?     Because  he  raised  Cain. 

Who  was  the  first  man  condemned  to  hard 
labor  for  life  ?     Adam. 

Why  was  the  giant  Goliath  very  much  aston- 
ished when  David  hit  him  with  a  stone  ?  Be- 
cause such  a  thing  had  never  entered  his  head 
before. 

Which  are  the  two  smallest  things  mentioned 
in  the  Bible?  The  widow's  mite  and  the 
wicked  flee. 

How  is  it  that  Methusalah  was  the  oldest 
man  when  he  died  before  his  father?  His 
father  was  translated. 

How  many  soft  boiled  eggs  could  the  giant 
Goliath  eat  on  an  empty  stomach  ?  One,  after 
which  his  stomach  was  not  empty. 

What  was  the  difference  between  Joan  of  Arc 
and  Noah's  ark  ?  One  was  Maid  of  Orleans, 
the  other  was  made  of  wood. 

Where  did  Noah  strike  the  first  nail  in  the 
ark?     On  the  head. 

Why  was  Eve  not  afraid  of  the  measles  ? 
Because  she'd  Adam  (had  'em). 

What  church  did  Eve  belong  to?  Adam 
thought  her  Eve-angelical. 


121 

What  two  animals  carried  the  least  into  the 
ark  ?  The  fox  and  cock,  because  they  carried 
only  a  brush  and  comb  between  them. 

Who  had  the  first  entrance  into  a  theatre  ? 
Joseph,  when  he  was  taken  from  the  family 
circle  and  put  into  the  pit. 

In  what  place  did  the  cock  crow  so  loud  that 
all  the  world  heard  him?     In  the  ark. 

What  became  of  Lot  when  his  wife  was 
turned  into  a  pillar  of  salt  ?  He  took  a  fresh 
one. 

Who  first  introduced  salt  meat  into  the  navy  ? 
Noah,  when  he  took  Ham  into  the  ark. 

What  animal  took  most  baggage  into  the 
ark  ?     The  elephant,  who  took  his  trunk. 

What  confection  did  they  have  in  the  ark  ? 
Preserved  pairs  (pears). 

What  man  mentioned  in  the  Bible  had  no 
father?    Joshua,  the  son  of  Nun. 

What  reason  have  we  to  think  that  Moses 
wore  a  wig  ?  Because  he  was  sometimes  seen 
with  Aaron  and  sometimes  without  'Air  on 
(hair  on). 

Why  was  Noah  like  a  hungry  cat  ?  Because 
he  went  forty  da3'S  and  forty  nights  without 
finding  Ararat. 


122 


If  Solomon  was  the  son  of  David  and  Joab 
was  the  son  of  Zeruiah  what  relation  was 
Zeruiah  to  Joab  ?     His  mother. 

Note. — Most  persons  will  answer  "his  father," 
not  remembering  that  Zeruiah  was  a  woman. 

If  "  Moses  was  the  son  of  Pharaoh's  daugh- 
ter," then  he  must  have  been  the  daughter 
of  Pharaoh's  son. 

Note. — Most  persons  will  say  that  it  was  im- 
possible for  Moses  to  have  been  a  daughter,  etc. 
It  will  aid  in  understanding  it  to  connect  the 
words  thus  ;  "  daughter-of-Pharoah's  son." 


Poetical  Conundrums 


Poetical  Conundrums 


lyCgs  I  have,  but  seldom  walk  ; 
I  backbite  all,  yet  never  talk. 

A  flea. 

I  came  to  a  field  and  couldn't  get  through  it  ; 
So  I  went  to  a  school  and  learned  how  to  do  it. 

Fence. 
My  first  I  hope  you  are, 
My  second  I  see  you  are, 
My  whole  I  know  you  are, 

Wel-come. 

My  first's  a  dirty  little  brute, 
My  second's  at  the  end  on't ; 
My  third  like  many  an  honest  man. 
Is  on  a  fool  dependent. 

Pig-tail. 

By  equal  division — I  know  I  am  right — 
The  half  of  thirteen  you'll  find  to  be  eight. 

XIII  nil  VIII. 

AIII 

My  number,  definite  and  known, 
Is  ten  times  ten  told  ten  times  o'er ; 

One-half  of  me  is  one  alone, 

The  other  exceeds  all  count  and  score. 

Thou-sand. 
125 


126 

There's  a  word  composed  of  three  letters  alone, 
Which   reads   backwards  and   forwards  the 
same ; 
It  expresses   the   sentiments   warm   from   the 
heart, 
And  to  beauty  lays  principal  claim. 

Eye. 

The  cat  did  my  first  with  a  curl  of  her  tail, 
When  the  game  she  had  made  quite  secure 

By  means  of  my  second  and  not  of  my  whole, 
As  she  ought  to  have  done,  I  am  sure. 

Pur-chase. 

Pray  tell  me,  ladies,  if  you  can, 

Who  is  that  highly  favored  man. 

Who  though  he  has  married  many  a  wife, 

May  still  live  single  all  his  life  ? 

A  clergyman. 

Can  you  tell  me  why  a  hypocrite's  eye 
Can  better  descry  than  you  or  I, 
On  how  many  toes  a  pussy  cat  goes  ? 

A  man  of  deceit  can  best  count-er-feit ; 

And  so,  I  suppose,  can  best  count  her  toes. 

Without  my  first  you'd  look  very  strange, 
My  second  you  much  want  to  be  ; 
My  whole  is  what  many  a  lady  has  worn, 
At  a  ball,  an  assembly,  or  play. 

Nose-gay. 


127 

Two  letters  often  tempt  mankind, 
And  those  who  yield  will  surely  find 
Two  others  ready  to  enforce 
The  punishment  that  comes  of  course. 

X-S  and  D-K  (excess  and  decay). 

My  first  doth  affliction  denote, 

Which  my  second  is  destined  to  feel , 

My  whole  is  a  sweet  antidote 
That  affliction  to  soothe  and  to  heal. 

Wo-man  ! 

My  first  of  anything  is  half, 

My  second  is  complete  ; 
And  so  remains  until  once  more 

My  first  and  second  meet. 

Semi-circle. 

My  first  makes  company, 
My  second  shuns  company, 
My  third  assembles  company, 
My  whole  puzzles  company. 

Co-nun-drums. 

Safe  on  a  fair  one's  arm  my  first  may  rest. 
And  raise  no  tumult  in  a  husband's  breast ; 
To  those  who  neither  creep,  nor  run,  nor  fly, 
The  want  of  legs  my  second  will  supply. 
My  whole's  a  rival  of  the  fairest  toast, 
And  when  I'm  liked  the  best  I  suffer  most. 

Muf-fin. 


128" 

What  is  that  which  is 
The  beginning  of  eternity, 
The  end  of  time  and  space, 
The  beginning  of  every  end, 
The  end  of  every  race  ? 

Letter  K. 

Your  initials  begin  with  an  A, 

You've  an  A  at  the  end  of  your  name, 

The  whole  of  your  name  is  an  A, 

And  its  backward  and  forward  the  same. 

Anna  ! 

We  are  airy  little  creatures, 

Each  have  different  forms  and  features  • 

One  of  us  in  glass  is  set, 

Another  you  will  find  in  jet ; 

A  third,  less  bright,  is  set  in  tin, 

A  fourth  a  shining  box  within  ; 

And  the  fifth,  if  you  pursue, 

It  will  never  fly  from  you. 

Vowels. 

My  first  a  baby  does  when  you  pinch  it ; 

My  second  a  lady  says  when  she  doesn't  mean 

it; 
My  third  exists  and  no  one  e'er  has  seen  it  ; 
And  my  whole  contains  the  world's  best  half 

withm  it. 

Cri-no-line, 


129 

Formed  long  ago,  yet  made  to-day, 
I'm  most  employed  while  others  sleep  ; 

What  none  would  like  to  give  away, 
Yet  no  one  likes  to  keep. 

Bed. 

What's   that?     What's   that?      Oh!    I   shall 
faint, 
Call,  call  the  priest  to  lay  it  ! 
Transpose  it,  and  to  king  and  saint, 
Ai?d  great  and  good  you  pay  it. 

Spectre  ;  respect. 

How  shall  the  following  be  read  ? 
Yy  u  r  yy  u  b 
I  c  u  r  yy  4  me. 
Answer. — Too  wise  you  are, 

Too  wise  3'ou  be  ; 
I  see  3'ou  are 
Too  wise  for  me. 

How  shall  the  following  be  read  ? 
U  o  a  o,  but  I  o  thee  ; 

O  o  no  o,  but  O  o  me  ; 
Then  let  m}^  o  thy  o  be 
And  give  o  o  I  o  thee. 
Answer. — 
You  sigh  for  a  cipher,  but  I  sigh  for  thee  ; 

Oh  !  sigh  for  no  cipher,  but  oh  !  sigh  for  me  ; 
They  let  my  cipher  thy  cipher  be ; 
And  give  sigh  for  sigh,  for  I  sigh  for  thee. 


130 

How  shall  the  following  stanza  be  read  that 
it  may  be  true  ? 

There  is  a  lady  in  the  land 
With  twenty  nails  on  each  hand, 
Five  and-twenty  on  hands  and  feet, 
This  is  true  without  deceit. 

Answer. — 

There  is  a  lady  in  the  land 
With  twenty  nails  ;  on  each  hand 
Five,  and  twenty  on  hands  and  feet, 
This  is  true  without  deceit. 


French  Conundrums 


French  Conundrums 


Je  suis  le  capitaine  de  vingt  qiiatre  Soldats, 
et  sans  moi  Paris  serait  pris. 

The  letter  A. 

Pourquoi  les  amateurs  du  beau  sexe  vont-ils 
sou  vent  a  1' hippodrome  ? 

Afin  d'etre  en  cerque  assis. 

Quelle  difference  y-a-t-il  entre  le  souverain 
de  la  Perse  et  le  Viceroi  d'Egypte. 

C'est  que  Tun  est  chat  (Shah)  et  1' autre  pas 
chat  (Pacha). 

Quel  est  le  peuple  le  moins  gai  de  I'univers? 

Le  peuple  Persan,  parse  qu'el  est  gouvenie 
par  un  Schah  (chat),  et  que  le  scliah  fait  fuir 
les  souris. 

A  French  friend  wishes  to  know  :  Vai  ze 
Keeng  ov  Eatalee  ees  laike  von  seengair  at  ze 
opera  oo  ees  loozeng  ess  voice  ? 

Parce  qu'il  a  perdu  sa  voix  (Savoie). 

Pourquoi  les  Carthagenois  portaient-ils  tou- 
jours  des  gants? 

Parce  qu'ils  n'aimaient  pas  I'air  aux  mains 
(les  Romans)  ! 

133 


134 

Quand  un  gant  resemble-t-il  an  numero 
vingt  cinq. 

Quand  il  est  neuf  et  tres  etroit  (et  treeze  et 
trois)  ! 

Un  felon  peut-il  prendu  pour  devise, — "  Hon- 
neur  a  Dieu  ' '  ? 

Non,  car  il  faut  qu'il  dise, — "Adieu,  lion- 
neur  ! ' ' 

Je  ne  suis  paf,  ce  que  je  suis  ;  car  si  j'etais  ce 
que  suis,  je  ne  serais  pas  ce  que  je  suis,  cepen- 
dant  je  suis  ce  que  je  suis  ;  devinez  que  je  suis  ? 

Un  domestique  qui  suit  sa  maitresse. 


Arithmetical  Puzzles 


Arithmetical  Puzzles 


Write  eleven  thousand  eleven  hundred  and 
eleven. 

Method. — 1 1,0004-1,  ioo-i-ii==^i2,iii. 

What  four  United  States  coins  will  amount  to 
fift3^-one  cents  ? 

Answer. — Two  twenty  five  cent  pieces  and 
two  half  cents. 

Place  three  6's  together  so  as  lo  ainount  to  7. 
Method.— 6 1=7. 

Place  three  2's  together  so  as  to  make  24. 
Method. — 22  +  2=24. 

Place  three  3's  together  so  as  to  make  24. 
Method. — 3^=24. 

Take  one  from  nine  and  make  it  ten. 
Method. — Write  nine  thus,  IX  ;  take  away 
the  I  we  have  X. 

Add  one  to  nine  and  make  it  twenty. 
Method. — Nine  is  IX  ;  cross  the  I  we  have 
XX. 

137 


138 

Prove  that  one  taken  from  nineteen  leaves 
twent}-. 

Method.— Take  the  I  from  XIX,  and  we 
have  XX. 

Make  four  straight  lines  and  then  add  five 
straight  lines  and  make  ten. 

Method.—  MM;  TEN. 

Prove  that  the  half  of  eleven  is  six. 

Method,— In  XI  draw  a  line  thus,  j-J,  the 
upper  half  is  VI. 

Prove  that  one  added  to  twent}^  is  nineteen. 
Method.— Add  I  to  XX  we  have  XIX. 

What  number  of  three  figures  multiplied  by 
8  will  make  exactl}^  lo? 

Answer. — i^  or  ^-25. 

Does  the  top  of  a  carriage- wheel  move  faster 
than  the  bottom  ?     If  so,  explain  the  reason. 

Answer. — The  top  always  moves  faster  than 
the  bottom. 

Which  is  greater,  and  how  much,  six  dozen 
dozen  or  a  half  a  dozen  dozen  ;  or  is  there  no 
difference  between  them  ? 

The  former. 


139 

Which  is  heavier,  a  pound  of  gold  or  a  pound 

of  feathers  ? 

Answer. — The  pound  of  feathers,  because 
it  is  weighed  by  Avoirdupois  weight,  while 
gold  is  weighed  by  Troy  weight. 

Take  fifty,  add  a  cipher,  add  five,  add  the 
fifth  of  eight,  and  the  total  is  the  sum  oi 
iiuman  happiness. 

Answer.— LOVE. 

Six  ears  of  corn  are  in  a  hollow  stump  ;  how 
long  will  it  take  a  squirrel  to  carry  them  all  out 
if  he  takes  out  three  ears  a  da}-  ? 

Remark. — The  "  catch  "  is  on  the  word  ears.  He 
takes  out  two  ears  on  his  head  and  one  ear  of  corn 
each  da}- ;  hence,  it  takes  six  days. 

How  to  prove,  by  mathematical  principles, 
that  two  unequal  numbers  are  equal,  as  4=2. 

Method.— All  will  admit  that  8-8=4-4. 
Divide  both  of  these  by  2-2,  and  the  quotient 
will  be  equal.     Thus, 

8—8     4— J 
2 — 2     2 — 2 

Supposing  there  are  more  persons  in  the 
world  than  any  one  has  hairs  on  his  head  : 
then  there  must  be  at  least  two  persons  who 
have  the  same  number  of  hairs  on  their  head 
to  a  hair.     Show  how  this  is. 


140 


u 


Place  17  little  sticks — matches  for 
instance — making  6  equal  squares, 
as  in  the  margin.  Then  remove  5 
sticks,  and  leave  three  perfect  squares 
of  the  same  size. 

Answer— The  method  of  doing  this 
is  indicated  in  the  margin  of  this 
answer. 

A  and  B  have  an  8  gallon  cask  full  of  wine, 
which  they  wish  to  divide  into  two  equal  parts, 
and  the  only  measures  the}-  have  are  a  5- 
gallon  cask  and  a  3-gallon  cask.  How  shall 
thc}^  make  the  division  with  these  two  vessels  ? 

Method, — First  fill  the  3-gallon  cask  from  the 
8-gallon  cask  ;  then  pour  these  3  gallons  into  the 
5-garion  cask  ;  then  fill  the  3-gallon  cask  again, 
and  fill  the  5-gallon  cask  from  the  3-gallon  cask  ; 
this  will  leave  i  gallon  in  the  3-gallon  cask  ;  then 
empty  the  5-gallon  cask  into  the  8-gallon  cask, 
pour  the  i  gallon  from  the  3-gallon  cask  into  the 
5-gallon  cask,  and  fill  the  3-gallon  cask  from  the 
8-gallon  cask.  There  will  then  be  4  gallons  in  the 
8-gallon  cask. 

Two  men  in  an  o^^ster  saloon  laid  a  wager  as 
to  w^hich  could  eat  the  most  oysters.  One  ate 
ninety-nine  and  the  other  ate  a  hundred,  and 
won.     How  man}'  did  both  eat  ? 

Remark. — The  catch  is  on  a  hundred  and  won. 
When  spoken  it  sounds  as  if  it  meant  "one  ate 
ninety-nine  and  the  other  ate  a  hundred  and  one  ;" 
hence,  the  result  usualU"  given  is  two  hundred. 
The  correct  result  is  one  hundred  and  ninety-ninft 


If  a  room  with  8  corners  had  a  cat  in  each 
corner,  seven  cats  before  each  cat,  and  a  cat  C):\ 
each  cat's  tail,  what  would  be  the  whole  miii: 
ber  of  cats  ? 

Answer. — Eight  cats. 

Tell  a  person  to  think  of  a  number,  multiply 
by  3,  multiply  the  product  by  2,  divide  the  re- 
sult by  6,  add  25,  subtract  the  number  thought 
of,  divide  by  4,  and  then  tell  him  what  his  re- 
sult is. 

Method. — The  result  will  be  five.  The  reason 
is  clear.  Bj^  multiplying  b\'  3  and  2  and  dividing 
by  6  he  has  obtained  the  number  thought  of.  Add 
20,  he  has  the  number  thought  of,  plus  20 ;  then 
subtract  the  number  thought  of,  and  he  has 
twent^^  Now  I  know  he  has  twenty  ;  hence,  I  can 
tell  him  what  he  has  if  he  divides  b}-  4. 

A  farmer  having  an  ox-chain  consisting  of 
15  links,  broke  it  into  five  equal  parts,  and  took 
it  to  a  blacksmith  to  be  welded  together.  The 
blacksmith  agreed  to  repair  it  for  50  cents  for 
each  welding  ;  but  when  he  presented  his  bill 
he  charged  for  four  weldings,  making  the  bill 
$2.00.  The  farmer  objected  to  the  bill,  saying 
that  it  should  have  been  repaired  with  only 
three  weldings.     How  was  it  to  be  done  ? 

Method. — Each  piece  consisted  of  three  links  ; 
cut  open  the  three  links  of  one  piece  and  use  these 
to  connect  the  other  four  pieces  of  the  chain. 


142 

Think  of  a  number,  multiply  by  six;  divide 
by  three,  add  forty,  divide  by  two  ;  name  the 
result,  and  I  will  name  the  number  thought  of. 

Method. — Multiplying  by  six  and  dividing  by 
three  gives  twice  the  number ;  add  fort\^  we  have 
twice  the  number,  plus  fort}-,  divide  %  two  we 
have  once  the  number,  plus  twenty  ;  hence,  if  I 
subtract  twenty  from  the  result  he  gives  me  I  have 
the  number  thought  of. 

Let  a  person  select  a  number  greater  than  i 
and  not  exceednig  lo.  I  will  add  to  it  a  num- 
ber not  exceeding  lo,  alternately  with  himself; 
and,  although  he  has  the  advantage  in  select- 
ing the  number  to  start  with,  I  will  reach  the 
even  hundred  first. 

]\Ie:thod. — I  make  my  additions  so  that  the 
sums  are  12,  23,  34,  45,  etc.,  to  89,  when  it  is  evi- 
dent I  can  reach  the  hundred  first.  With  one  who 
does  not  know  the  method,  I  need  not  run  through 
the  entire  series,  but  merel}^  aim  for  89,  and  when 
the  secret  of  this  is  seen  aim  at  78,  then  67,  etc. 

Think  of  a  number  of  3  or  more  figures, 
divide  b)''  nine,  and  name  the  remainder ;  erase 
one  figure  of  the  number,  divide  by  9,  and  tell 
me  the  remainder  and  I  will  tell  you  Vv^hat 
figure  you  erased. 

Method. — If  the  second  remainder  is  less  than 
the  first,  the  figure  erased  is  the  difference  between 
the  remainders  ;  but  if  the  second  remainder  is 
greater  than  the  first,  the  figure  erased  equals  9, 
minus  the  difference  of  the  remainders. 


143 

!Cet  a  person  tliink  of  an\'  number  on  the  clial 
face  of  a  watch.  I  will  then  point  to  various 
numbers,  and  at  each  he  will  silently  add  one  to 
the  number  selected,  until  he  arrives  at  twent}-, 
which  he  will  announce  aloud  ;  and  m}-  pointer 
will  then  be  on  the  number  he  selected. 

Method. — I  point  proniiscuoush' about  the  face 
of  the  watch  until  the  eighth  point,  which  should 
be  on  the  "12."  I  then  pass  regularly  around 
toward  the  "i"  pointing  at  "11,"  "10,"  "9," 
etc.,  until  "twenty-"  is  called,  when  my  pointer 
will  be  over  the  number  selected. 

Take  nine  from  six  and  ten  from  7iine  and 
fifty  ^rom  fortj,  and  six  Avill  remain. 
vSIX  IX  XL 

IX       X        L 

SIX 
Two-thirds  of  six  is  nine,  one-half  of  tweh  e 
is  seven,  the  half  of  five  is  four,   and  six  is 
half  of  eleven. 

:\rETHOD.— Two-thirds  of  SIX  is  IX.  the  upper 
half  of  XII  is  VII,  the  half  of  FIVE  is  IV,  and  the 
upper  half  of  XI  is  VI. 

Two  men  have  24  ounces  of  fluid  which  they 
wish  to  divide  between  them  equally.  How 
shall  they  effect  the  division,  provided  they 
have  only  three  vessels  ;  one  containing  5  oz., 
the  other  11  oz.,  and  the  third  13  oz.  ? 

Method  .—The  method  is  similar  to  the  division 
of  8  gadlons  in  the  question  on  page  78. 


144 

Three  persons  own  51  quarts  of  rice,  and 
have  only  two  measures  ;  one  a  4-quart,  the 
other  a  7-quart  measure.  How  shall  they 
divide  it  into  three  equal  parts  ? 

Method. — One- third  of  51  is  17  ;  so  each  must 
have  17  quarts.  To  measure  17  quarts  fill  the  7- 
quart  measure  twice  and  pour  into  some  large 
vessel,  making  14  quarts  ;  then  fill  the  7-quart 
measure,  draw  off  4  quarts  in  the  4-quart  measure, 
and  then  pour  the  remaining  3  quarts  in  the  vessel 
containing  the  14  quarts. 

Think  of  a  number  composed  of  two  unequal 
digits,  invert  the  digits,  take  the  difference 
between  this  and  the  original  number,  name 
one  of  the  digits  and  I  will  name  the  other. 

Method. — The  sum  of  the  digits  in  the  differ- 
ence is  al\va3's  nine  ;  hence,  when  one  is  named 
the  other  equals  9,  minus  the  one  named. 

Take  any  nurnbcr,  consisting  of  three  con- 
secutive digits  and  permutate  them,  making  6 
numbers,  and  take  the  sum  of  these  numbers, 
divide  by  6,  and  tell  me  the  result  and  I  will 
tell  you  the  digits  of  the  number  taken. 

Method.— The  quotient  consists  of  three  equal 
digits  ;  the  digits  of  the  number  taken  are  :  ist. 
one  of  these  equal  digits  ;  2d.  this  digit  increased 
by  a  unit  ;  3d.  this  digit  diminished  b}-  a  unit. 
The  same  principle  holds  \\hen  the  digit'i  of  the 
number  taken  differ  by  2,  3,  or  4.  Jt  is  ?»  very 
pretty  problem  to  prove  that  ihe  sum  is  a-^^ays 
divisible  by  9  and  i& 


145 

Take  any  number,  divide  it  by  9,  and  name 
the  remainder.  Multiply  the  number  by  some 
number  which  I  name,  and  divide  the  product 
by  9,  and  I  will  name  the  remainder. 

Method. — To  tell  the  remainder.  I  multiply  the 
first  remainder  by  the  number  by  which  I  told 
them  to  multiply  the  given  number,  and  divide 
this  product  by  9.  The  remainder  is  the  second 
number  obtained. 

Think  of  a  number  greater  than  3,  multiph' 
it  by  3  ;  if  even,  divide  it  by  2  ;  if  odd,  add  i, 
and  then  divide  by  2.  Multiph^  the  quotient 
by  3  ;  if  even,  divide  by  2  ;  if  odd,  add  i,  and 
then  divide  by  2.  Xow  divide  by  9  and  tell  the 
quotient  without  the  remainder,  and  I  will  tell 
3-ou  the  number  thought  of. 

Method. — If  even  both  times,  multiply  the  quo- 
tient by  4;  if  even  2d- and  odd  ist.  midtiply  by 
4  and  add  i  ;  if  even  1st  and  odd  2d,  multiply  by 
4  and  add  2  ;  if  odd  both  times,  multiply  bv  4'anH 
add  3. 

Suppose  it  were  possible  for  a  man  in  Cin- 
cinnati to  start  on  Sunday  noon,  when  the  sun 
is  in  the  meridian,  and  travel  westward  with 
the  sun  so  that  it  might  be  in  his  meridian  all 
the  time.  Now  it  was  Sunday  noon  when  he 
started,  it  has  been  noon  with  him  all  the  way 
round,  and  is  Monday  noon  when  he  returns. 
The  question  is,  at  what  point  did  it  change 
from  Sunday  noon  to  Monday  uoou  ? 


146 

Take  any  number,  subtract  the  sum  of  the 
digits,  strike  out  any  digit  from  the  remainder, 
tell  me  the  sum  of  the  remaining  digits,  and  I 
will  tell  you  the  digit  struck  out. 

Method. — Subtract  the  "sum  of  the  remain- 
ing digits  "  from  the  smallest  multiple  of  nine 
greater  than  "the  sum."  The  remainder  will  be 
the  digit  struck  out. 

In  the  bottom  of  a  well,  45  feet  deep,  there 
was  a  frog  which  commenced  traveling  toward 
the  top.  In  his  journey  he  ascended  3  feet 
every  day,  but  fell  back  2  feet  every  night.  In 
how  many  days  did  he  get  out  ? 

Method. — He  gains  i  foot  a  day,  and  in  42  days 
he  is  3  feet  from  the  top  ;  and  on  the  43d  day  he 
reaches  the  top. 

Think  of  any  three  numbers  less  than  10. 
Multiply  the  first  by  2  and  add  5  to  the  pro- 
duct. Multipl}'  this  sum  by  5  and  add  the 
second  number  to  the  product.  Multiply  the 
last  result  by  10  and  add  the  third  number  to 
the  product ;  then  subtract  250.  Name  the  re- 
mainder and  I  will  name  the  numbers  thought 
of  and  in  the  order  in  w^hich  they  were  thought 
of. 

Method. — The  three  digits  composing  this  re- 
mainder will  be  the  numbers  thought  of;  and  the 
order  in  which  they  were  tin  )ught  of  will  be  the 
»rder  of  hundreds,  tens,  and  units. 


U7 

If  a  man  had  a  triangular  lot  of  land,  the 
largest  side  being  136  rods,  and  each  of  the 
other  sides  68  rods  ;  what  would  be  the  value 
of  the  grass  on  it  at  the  rate  of  $10  an  acre? 

Remark. ^The  "catch"  in  this  is  that  the 
sides  given  will  form  no  triangle. 

Says  A  to  B  :  "  Give  me  four  weights  and  I 
can  weigh  any  number  of  pounds  not  exceed- 
ing 40. ' '  Required  the  weights  and  the  method 
of  weighing. 

Answer. — The  weights  are  1,3,  9,  and  !•]  pounds. 
In  weighing  we  must  put  one  or  more  in  both 
scales,  or  some  in  one  scale  and  some  in  another  : 
thus,  7  lbs. =9  lbs.4-1  lb.— 3  lbs. 

Three  men  traveling  with  their  wives  came 
to  a  river  which  they  wished  to  cross.  There 
was  but  one  boat  and  but  two  could  cross  at 
one  time  ;  and  since  the  husbands  were  jealous 
no  woman  could  be  with  a  man  unless  her  own 
husband  was  present.  In  what  manner  did 
they  get  across  the  river  ? 

Method. — Let  the  persons  be  denoted  A.  B.  nnd 
C,  and  Mrs.  A,  Mrs.  B,  and  Mrs.  C.  First  Mr.  A 
and  Mrs.  A  go  over  ;  then  A  comes  back  and  Mrs. 
B  and  :Mrs.  C  go  over  ;  then  Mrs.  A  comes  back 
and  Mr.  B  and  ]Mr.  C  go  over  ;  then  I\Ir.  B  and 
Mrs.  B  return  and  Mr.  A  and  ^Ir.  B  go  over  ;  then 
Mrs.  C  returns  and  I\Irs.  A  and  Mrs.  B  go  over  ; 
then  Mr.  C  returns  and  takes  his  wife,  Mrs.  C, 
over. 


148 


A  man  having  a  fox,  a  goose,  and  some  com 
came  to  a  river  which  it  was  necessary  to  cross. 
He  could,  however,  take  only  one  across  at  a 
time,  and  if  he  left  the  goose  and  corn  while  he 
took  the  fox  over,  the  goose  would  eat  the 
corn  ;  but  if  he  left  the  fox  and  goose,  the  fox 
would  kill  the  goose.  How  shall  he  get  them 
all  safely  over  ? 

Method. — First  he  takes  the  goose  over,  then 
returns  and  takes  the  fox  over,  then  brings  the 
goose  back  and  takes  the  corn  over,  and  then  re- 
turns and  takes  the  goose  over  again. 

How  may  the  9  digits  be  ar- 
ranged in  a  rectangular  form 
so  that  the  sum  of  any  row, 
whether  horizontal,  vertical, 
or  diagonal,  shall  equal  15? 

Answer. — As  in  the  mar- 
gin. 


How  may  the  first 
16  digits  be  arranged 
so  that  the  sum  of  the 
vertical,  the  horizontal, 
and  the  two  oblique 
rows  may  equal  34  ? 

Answer. — As  in  the 
margin. 


4  9  2 

3  5  7 

8  I  6 


I 

16 

II 

1 
6 

10   i 

1'^ 

4 

7 

8 

9 

14 

3 

12 

5 

2 

15 

149 


In  what  man- 
ner may  the  first 
25  digits  be  ar- 
ranged so  that 
the  sum  of  each 
row  of  five  fig- 
ures  may  equal 

65? 

Answer. —  A  s 
in  the  margin. 


I 

10 

12 

18 

24 

9 

II 

20 

22 

3 

13 

19 

21 

5 

7 

17 

23 
2 

4 

6 

15 

25 

8 

14 

■' 

An  old  Jew  took  a  diamond  cross  to  a  jew- 
eler to  have  the  diamonds  reset,  and  fearing 
the  jeweler  might  be  dishonest,  he  counted  the 
diamonds  and  found  that  they  numbered  7  in 
three  different  ways.  Now  the  jeweler  stole 
two  diamonds,  but  arranged  the  remainder  so 
that  they  counted  7  each  way  as  before.  How 
was  it  done  ? 


INlETHOD. — The  form  of  the 
cross  when  left  is  represented 
b\'-  Fig.  I,  and  when  returned 
by  Fig.  2.  It  will  be  seen  by 
the  figures  how  the  diamonds 
were  counted  b}'  the  old  Jew, 
and  how  they  were  arranged  by 
the  jewekr/who  "jewed"  the 
Jew. 


Fig.  I. 

Fig.  2. 

7 

7 

6 

7^7 

65^7 

.s 

4 

4 

3 

3 

2 

2 

I 

I 

I50 

Take  lo  pieces  of  mone}^  lay  them  in  a  row, 
and  require  some  one  to  put  them  together  into 
heaps  of  two  in  each  heap  by  passing  each  piece 
over  two  others. 

Method, — lyCt  the  pieces  be  denoted  by  the 
numbers  i,  2,  3,  4,  5,  6,  7,  8,  9,  10.  Then  place  7 
on  10,  5  on  2,  3  on  8,  i  on  4,  and  9  on  6. 

A  man  goes  to  a  store  and  purchases  a  pair 
of  boots  worth  $5  and  hands  out  a  $50  bill  to 
pay  for  them.  The  merchant,  not  being  able 
to  make  the  change,  goes  over  the  street  to  a 
broker  and  gets  the  bill  changed  and  then  re- 
turns and  gives  the  mm  who  bought  the  boots 
his  change.  After  th?  purchaser  of  the  boots 
had  been  gone  a  few  hours  the  broker,  finding 
the  bill  to  be  a  counterfeit,  comes  and  demands 
$50  of  good  money  from  the  merchant.  How 
much  does  the  merchant  lose  ? 

Remark. — At  first  glance  some  sa}^  S45  and  the 
boots,  some  $50  and  the  boots,  some  S95  and  the 
boots,  and  others  $100  and  the  boots.  Which  is 
correct  ? 

A  vessel  with  a  crew  of  30  men,  half  of 
w^hom  were  black,  became  short  of  provisions 
and  fearing  that  unless  half  the  crew  were 
thrown  overboard  all  w^ould  perish,  the  captain 
proposed  to  the  sailors  to  stand  upon  deck  in  a 
row  and  every  ninth  man  be  thrown  overboard 
until  half  the  crew  were  destroyed.     It  so  hap- 


151 

pened  that  the  whites  were  saved.     Required, 
the  order  of  arrangement. 

Answer.— W  W  W  W  B  B  B  B  B  W  W  B  W  \V 
W  B  W  B  B  \V  W  B  B  B  W  B  B  W  W  B.  This 
can  easily  be  proved  b}-  trial,  using  letters  or  figures 
to  represent  men. 

Suppose  a  hare  is  lo  rods  before  a  hound, 
and  that  the  hound  runs  lo  rods  while  the  hare 
runs  I  rod.  Now,  when  the  hound  has  run  lo 
rods  the  hare  has  run  i  rod  ;  hence  they  are 
now  I  rod  apart,  and  when  the  hound  has  run 
that  one  rod  the  hare  has  run  -jV  of  3.  rod  ;  hence 
they  are  now  j^  of  a  rod  apart,  and  when  the 
hound  has  run  the  j-^  of  a  rod  they  are  j^-^j  of 
a  rod  apart ;  and  in  the  same  way  it  ma\-  be 
shown  the  hare  is  always  y'^  of  the  previous 
distance  ahead  of  the  hound  ;  hence  the  hound 
can  never  catch  the  hare.  How  is  the  contrar>- 
shown  mathematically  ?  How  far  will  the 
hound  run  to  catch  the  hare. 

Answer. — The  distance  the  hound  runs  will  be 
represented  by  the  series  io-^i4-y'^--p^iy-f-Y^VTf.  to 
infinity.  The  sum  of  this  series  can  be  found  by 
the  algebraic  formula  S=  —-,  in  which  ^=io  and 
r=iV.    Substituting  the  value  of  a  and  r  we  have 

This  may  be  solved  more  simply  as  follows  . 
The  hound  nms  lo  times  as  fast  as  the  fox.  hence 
lo  times  the  distance  the  fox  runs  equals  the  dis- 
tance the  hound  runs.     Then  lo  times  the  distance 


152 

tlie  fox  runs,  minus  once  the  distance  the  fox  runs, 
which  is  9  times  the  distance  the  fox  runs,  is  lo 
rods  ;  and  once  the  distance  the  fox  runs  is  I,  of  lo 
rods,  or  Y  rods  ;  and  lo  times  the  distance  the  fox 
runs,  or  the  distance  the  hound  runs,  is  lo  times 
-^^or^f^°-,  or  ii^rods. 

If  through  passenger  trains,  running  to  and 
from  Philadelphia  and  San  Francisco  daily, 
start  at  the  same  hour  from  each  place  (differ- 
ence of  longitude  not  being  considered)  and 
take  the  same  time— seven  days— for  the  trip, 
how  many  through  trains  will  the  Pacific  Ex- 
press, that  leaves  the  San  Francisco  depot  at 
9  p.  M.  Sunday,  have  met  when  it  reaches  the 
Philadelphia  depot  ? 

Answer. — As  the  Pacific  Express  starts  from 
San  Francisco,  a  train  which  left  Philadelphia  the 
previous  Sunda\'  reaches  San  PYancisco,  which  is 
not  to  be  counted  as  a  meeting  of  trains.  There  are, 
however,  six  other  trains  on  the  way  which  it  will 
meet.  Also,  a  train  starts  from  Philadelphia  on 
the  same  Sunday  as  the  train  starts  from  San 
Francisco,  another  on  Monda\-,  another  on  Tues- 
day, etc.,  up  to  Saturday- — that  is,  seven  trains, 
all  of  which  it  meets,  making,  with  the  six  trains 
previously  started,  thirteen  trains  in  all  which 
it  meets.  A  train  leaves  Philadelphia  on  Sunday 
at  the  same  time  the  Pacific  Express  reaches  there, 
but  this  is  not  counted  as  a  meeting. 

A  switch  siding  to  a  single-track  railroad  is 
just  long  enough  to  clear  a  train  of  eight  cars 
and  a  locomotive.     How  can  two  trains  of  six- 


153 

teen  cars  and  a  locomotive,  each  going  in  oppo- 
site directions,  pass  each  other  at  this  siding 
and  each  locomotive  remain  with,  and  liave  the 
same  relative  position  to  its  own  train  after  as 
before  passing  ? 

Answer. — Let  one  train  ^ 

and  its  locomotive  be  de-  ^\._^^ 

noted  by  A,  and  the  other  ^^ 

train  and  locomotive  by  B,      ^  '•  ^ 

and  let  the  track  be  denoted  by  a  b  and  the  sidinj^ 
by  c d,  and  suppose  train  A  to  be  going  in  the  di- 
rection of  ^  b,  and  train  B  in  the  direction  of  <^  a. 
Then  let  locomotive  B,  with  eight  cars,  run  out 
toward  rt-,  past  r.  and  back  up  on  the  siding  with 
its  eight  cars  ;  then  let  train  A  run  out  toward  />, 
past  c :  then  let  B  draw  its  eight  cars  on  to  the 
main  track  and  run  out  toward  a ;  then  let  train 
A  back  over  toward  a.  past  c,  and  locomotive  A  be 
detached  from  train  A  and  run  over  toward  b  and 
connect  with  the  eight  cars  of  train  B  and  draw 
them  over  past  r,  and  back  them  up  on  the  sidincr, 
and  then  run  off  the  siding  and  connect  again  with 
its  own  cars  and  run  on  toward  b^  pastr;  then  let 
locomotive  B  back  its  eight  cars  and.  turning:  on 
the  siding,  connect  the  two  halves  of  its  train  and 
move  off  past  a,  the  train  A  moving  on  at  the  same 
time  past  b. 

A  and  B  went  to  market  with  30  pigs  each. 
A  sold  his  pigs  at  2  for  $1,  and  B  sold  his  pigs 
at  the  rate  of  3  for  $1,  and  they,  together,  re- 
ceived $25.  The  next  day  A  went  to  market 
alone  with  60  pigs,  and,  wishing  to  sell  at  the 


154 

mme  rate,  sold  them  5  for  $2,  and  received 
only  $24.  Why  should  he  not  receive  as  much 
as  when  B  owned  half  of  the  pigs  ? 

Answer. — The  rate  of  2  pigs  for  $1  is  i  pig  for 
$1,  and  the  rate  of  3  pigs  for  $1  is  i  pig  for  $| ;  the 
average  rate  is  2  pigs  for  $i-(-$j,  or  $|,  or  i  pig  for 
$j%.  The  rate  of  5  pigs  for  $2  is  i  pig  for  $|.  So 
it  is  seen  that  the  reason  A  did  not  receive  as  much 
is  that  he  sold  his  pigs  at  a  less  rate  than  when 
they  both  went  to  market. 

Two  hunters  killed  a  deer  and  sold  it  by  the 
pound  in  the  woods.  They  had  no  proper 
means  of  weighing  it,  but  knew  their  own 
weights— one  130  pounds  and  the  other  190 
pounds.  They  placed  a  rail  across  a  fence  so 
that  it  balanced  with  one  of  them  on  each  end. 
They  then  exchanged  places,  the  lighter  man 
taking  the  deer  in  his  lap,  and  the  rail  agjwin 
balanced  ;  what  was  the  weight  of  the  deer  ^ 

Answer. — Let  the  weight  of  the  deer  be  denoted 
b}^  D  ;  then,  by  the  principles  of  the  lever,  we 
have  the  proportion  : 

130  :  190=  190:  1304  D: 
Or,  130  (130  +  D)  =  190  X  190  ; 
Whence,      16900  +  130  D  =  36100  : 
Or,  130  D  =r  19200  ; 

And,  D  =  H7^. 

Who  can  solve  the  following  problem  ? 
A  hundred  and  one  by  fifty  divide. 
And  next  let  a  cipher  be  duly  applied, 


155 

And  if  the  result  3^011  should  rlghtl}-  divine, 
You'll  find  that  the  whole  makes  but  one  out 
of  nine. 

ExPLANATiox.— CI,  CLI,  CLIO  (Clio,  the  muse 
of  histor}',  one  of  the  nine  muses). 

Suppose    the    figure    to 
represent    railroad   tracks,  'J|e 

C  D  and  E  F  beins:  each 


the  leno-th  of  a  car  or  loco-  ^        ^ 


'?3 


motive,  and  a  and  b  each  representing  a  car  on 
the  track  and  c  representing  a  locomotive  on 
E  F.  Now  how  can  the  locomotive  change  the 
relative  position  of  a  and  b  so  that  b  will  be  on 
the  track  where  «  is  and  «  will  be  on  the  track 
where  <^  is  ? 

Answer. — The  locomotive  c  backs  a  down  and 
out  toward  A,  then  runs  over  toward  B  and  backs 
/^  up  on  E  F,  then  runs  back  toward  B  and  goes 
over  toward  A.  then  runs  up  C  E  and  draws  b  down 
on  CE,  then  runs  over  toward  A  and  gets  car  ^7. 
draws  it  over  toward  B  and  backs  it  up  on  D  E.  It 
can  also  be  readih'  done  by  first  backing  a  down 
on  A  C  and  drawing  to  and  leaving  it  on  C  D. 


TALKS 

By  GEORGE  THATCHER 

The  Celebrated  Minstrel 

MO  Pages  Paper  Binding  25  Cents 

'T'HIS  unique  volume  supplies  in  a  most  satisfactory 
way  the  want  that  has  heretofore  been  but  indif- 
ferently met  by  the  so-called  Stump-Speech  books.  Mr. 
Thatcher  is  without  doubt  the  most  popul  r  man  in 
minstrelsy,  his  name  being  known  among  mirth- loving 
people  everywhere,  not  only  in  America,  but  beyond 
the  seas.  It  is  most  fortunate  that  the  services  of  a  per- 
son so  distinguished  have  been  secured  for  the  prepara- 
tion of  this  book,  especially  since  he  has  put  in  it  his 
own  original  matter  exactly  as  he  uses  it  nightly  to  con- 
vulse his  audiences  with  laughter.  The  book  contains 
all  his  Monologues,  Parodies,  Songs,  Sketches,  Poems, 
Speeches,  Jokes,  etc.^  etc.  It  will  be  found  invaluable 
to  every  humorous  reader,  to  amateur  and  professional 
minstrels,  and  in  addition  will  prove  interesting  read- 
ing to  any  person  who  is  fond  of  the  lighter  vein  of 
literature. 

THE    PENN    PIJBI<I8HI3(G    COMPANY 

923  Arch   Street 

Pblladelpbla 


JOKES 

GA XHEKED    BY 

HENRY  FIRTH   WOOD 

The  Popular  Humorist 
IIvIvUSTRATED 

150  Pages  Paper  Binding  25  Qnts 

THIS  attractive  little  volnme  is  a  collection  of  the 
brightest,  funniest,  and  most  catchy  Jokes  of  the 
day.  They  are  all  short,  some  of  them  occupying  only 
six  or  eight  lines,  but  they  are  as  pointed  as  short,  and 
all  are  fairly  bristling  with  wit  and  humor  of  the  keenest 
kind.  There  are  no  old  ones  among  them,  the  collec- 
tion being  the  very  latest  crop. 

They  are  classified,  according  to  their  character, 
under  such  headings  as  ''Womankind,"  <* Youth," 
"  Bald  and  Tough,"  etc.,  ten  sections  in  all,  and  each 
headed  with  a  peculiarly  appropriate  illustration. 

The  author  is  widely  and  favorably  known  through 
his  humorous  lectures  and  readings,  and  both  publicly 
and  privately  is  recognized  as  one  of  the  genuinely 
funny  men  of  the  day. 

It  is  a  book  that  can  be  picked  up  and  enjoyed  at 
any  time,  and  if  read  aloud  to  a  company  will  afford  an 
infinite  fund  of  mirth  and  merriment. 

the;    PE^PiN    I»ITBI.ISHI?iG    COMPAWV 

923   Arcb   Street 

Pblladelpliia 


FULL  OF  FUN 


250  Pages  Paper  Binding  50  Cents 


THt  suggestive  and  peculiarly  fitting  title  of  this  attractive 
volume  faithfully  describes  the  character  of  its  contents, 
as  it  is  packed  full  of  fun  from  the  beginning  to  the  end.  It  is 
composed  of  three  popular  titles,  TALKS,  by  the  celebrated  min- 
strel, George  Thatcher,  containing  all  his  monologues,  songs,  witty 
sayings,  etc.;  JOKES,  by  the  popular  humorist,  Henry  Firth  Wood, 
comprising  a  multitude  of  bright  and  bristhng  comicalities ;  and 
CONUNDRUMS,  by  Dean  Rivers,  embracing  the  latest  and  best 
iri  the  line  of  Conundrums,  Riddles,  and  Puzzles,  and  including 
also  a  number  of  most  complex  Arithmetical  Puzzles.  The  dif- 
ferent authors  and  compilers  are  deservedly  popular  and  prominent 
•AS  representing  the  keenest  and  freshest  in  everything  that  is 
bright  and  witty,  and  are  a  sure  guaranty  that  the  volume  possesses 
all  the  merit  that  is  claimed  for  it. 

The  collection  as  a  whole  will  afford  excellent  amusement  for 
the  fireside,  will  prove  a  splendid  store-house  from  which  to 
draw  material  for  anecdote  or  illustration,  is  valuable  for  public 
reading  or  entertainment,  and  will  be  found  enjoyable  reading  for 
private  perusal,  while  as  a  cure  for  an  attack  of  the  blues  it  is 
unfailing. 

Sold  by  all  Booksellers,  or  sent,  prepaid,  upon  receipt  of  price 

THE   PENN    PUBLISHLNG   COMPANY 
923  Arch  Street,  Philadelphia 


DANCING 

By  Marguerite  Wilson 
A  complete  instructor,  beginning  with  the  first 
positions  and  steps  and  leading  np  to  the  sqnara  and 
round  dances.  It  contains  also  a  full  list  of  calls  for 
all  of  the  square  dances,  and  the  necessary  music 
fur  each  figure,  the  etiquette  of  the  dances,  and  100 
figures  for  the  german.  It  is  unusually  well  illus- 
trated by  a  large  number  of  original  drawings. 
Without  doubt  the  best  book  on  the  subject. 

PRACTICAL  PALMISTRY 

By  Henry  Frith 
There  is  to-day  probably  no  more  popular  character 
study  than  that  of  Palmistry„  Many  more  people 
would  be  interested  in  it  if  there  were  a  convenient 
book  that  came  within  their  comprehension  and  that 
was  reliable.  This  volume  furnishes  full  and  trust- 
worthy information  on  the  subject,  and  with  a  little 
practice  any  person  will  be  able  to  read  character, 
recall  past  events,  and  forecast  future  occurrences, 
upon  examination  of  the  hand.     Fully  illustrated. 


University  of  California 

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405  Hilgard  Avenue,  Los  Angeles,  CA  90024-1388 

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LOFLAND&  RUSSELL 

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LOS  ANGELES 


